Responsibility

Today is the first day that I've ever felt positive and motivated to get my finances in order. My New Years resolution is to step up my game all around in my financial responsibility. My savings account actually has money in it, I paid my bills for the whole month of January all today, AND I even have an $80 allowance for the next two weeks!
I really wish I'd been this on top of my finances for the last nine months of my Air Force career, but you can't cry over spilled milk. At least I have a new wardrobe, a few new toys, and a great stock of cleaning supplies and sweet cereals. John has been really encouraging about it, which definitely makes me feel like I can do this. He's really good with saving and has a great credit score. I feel like, if I'm going to be with someone that has great credit, I should bring the same thing to the table. It's a work in progress but I'm going to get there.

BECOMING DEBT-FREE...
My long-term get-out-of-debt goals are already slowly being achieved. I finished paying off the money that I owed my dad today. I paid my cell phone bill (which is monthly). I finally got caught up on what I owed for my student loan last month, so today I made my payment for January (that's not even due until the 21st! WINNING!). I also set aside $82.00 to put toward my OSU debt, which I can't pay until I figure out who my debt was sent to.

I tried getting my free credit report online the other day, but for whatever reason, it wouldn't let me access my information... Soooo, I'm going to have to call in and request it. I need to do it really soon too because I can't even make the payment on my OSU debt until I find out WHO I'm sending the money to.

SAVING UP...
My long-term savings goals are to save up for a down payment and purchase a nice car, save four thousand dollars and move off base, and save up $5,000-8,000 to get InvisAlign braces. I think the biggest motivating factor in saving my money has to be that I don't have any sort of savings account to my name.

I want to start setting money aside for retirement, which you may think is a little too soon to be thinking about. But (worst case scenario) if I die young, all that money will go towards taking care of the people I love most in my stead. And I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

I don't know when, but one of these days I'm going to have a family. I want to be able to take care of their needs and help them learn how to work hard and achieve their wants. The best way I know how to prepare for that is to save my money, get out of debt, and work to build up my credit so they don't have to go without the necessities and a few life lessons about financial responsibility like I did growing up.


Con Mucho Amor,
K

These Three Words

I've realized that I'm a do-er when it comes to how I show my love for people. I love spending time and effort on something that I'm doing for someone I really love.
I suck at giving gifts because people don't need things. People NEED food which is why I love cooking and baking for people. People need beauty in their life, which is why I don't have a problem making presents for people. But I would much rather receive a gift that someone put time and effort into. Is that too much to ask?

Sick Puppies

Johnny is sick with the virus I had. Go figure. He's been vomiting and running a fever all day. It just broke though and he's passed out right now. I've been taking care of him the best I can, but there's only so much you can do when someone can hardly hold down water.

I've taken this moment of quiet to work on some paintings. I've got two working right now. I re-did the background for the geisha painting with pages of an old book. I ripped them up, mod podged them in random places, and painted an antique-looking brown over them. I still want to do the geisha on it and I think I may do a cherry blossom tree in the background. I also want to use an Anais Nin quote in the top portion. The quote is "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

The other painting I started is landscape and I sectioned it in thirds painted in a pale yellow, a pale teal, and a baby pink. I'm going to paint a little house, a cupcake, and three little people holding hands. The three people are going to be Pons, John and I. They're my family here at Cannon. We've talked about getting a house together, which would be wonderful. And we always have family dinners together, at least twice a week. Pons and I both absolutely love cooking and baking. It's a million times more fun when you're doing it with people you love, for people you love.

It sucks that John isn't well, but I'm glad I'm here to take care of him. Between vomiting sessions, he said "Baby, I really appreciate you taking care of me. Thank you." I didn't really know what to say, but I went with "Don't even mention it. I do it because I care." I told him that, anytime I'm sick, my mom used to always take care of me. She was such a great nurse. She'd lay with me and stroke my hair, make me soup, put cold towels on my forehead, and get me Gatorade and 7-Up even if we couldn't afford it. She's always been a saint, and this is the best way I can think to be like her. It's all in the little things.

Stir Fry-day

Well, I've been living in New Mexico for seven weeks now and I like it now about as much as I did when I got here... which isn't a lot at all.

My shop blows and videography is not "mission essential" here at Cannon AFB so I rarely ever get a chance to do my job. Joining the Air Force was the greatest decision I made for my life at this time and I stand by that. I just wish I didn't get screwed on my first PCS. When I got this job, I was told that it was predominantly overseas, yet here I am... at a remote location at an uncomfortably high altitude in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico. 

Normally I'm not as pessimistic about my assignment. I've just had a rough week. It's bad enough that I hate my shop. What's worse is I went from not having any legitimate work to do, to being the only person in video, with the three other people in Vid out sick. And today, I'm the one that's down for the count with the virus that knocked everyone out this week. Sore throat. Achy body. Stopped-up ears. Exhausted. And hating life at Cannon.

I miss the freedom of having the option to call in to work sick without having to check with my supervisor, schedule an appointment with Family Health, walk to Medical to be seen by a military doctor, then call in again to tell them what's wrong with me. All I'd have to do is say "I have diarrhea and a fever. Do I need to find someone to cover my shift?" and they'd say yes or no.

On a different subject...

Westin and I no longer speak. I've been seeing a guy named John that I met through Pons here at Cannon. He's a blast. He's a really good friend and a good guy altogether. Westin "de-friended" me on Facebook a while back, and I assume it's a repercussion of seeing photos of John and I together. But I'm not deterred by it. Tech school romance was always a joke, and I'm the gullible one that thought it might last. I have no one to blame but myself for being so naive. But he was right. Time heals everything. I've made a conscious effort to get over it and that is precisely what I've done. I really am happy with John and there's nothing wrong with that. 

I'm normally pretty busy on the weekends doing random stuff, but since I'm down for the count, I'm going to hopefully get crafty this week. I have a few things that I've been wanting to make. One of them is a secret hiding place in an old book. And another is a painting of a geisha... but I don't know how long that idea will last once I start working on it. Well, I'm gonna go wash my hair. It's pretty gnarly.

Xo,

K

Amy and the Highway: On My Way

30 minutes away from Cannon. I'm ready to be there.

Westin and I decided to take the pressure off of ourselves and "broke up" but everything is the exact same. I don't know when I'll see him next, but I don't feel the same urgency as I did. I was afraid that, if I didn't see him soon, we were going to end up hating each other and breaking up. But we took a two day break, then decided that breaking up would save our relationship. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I know I'm so much happier, and he is too.
Somehow, it feels like we're closer now. We did it to put our friendship first, which was the best idea we've had. But I think having the title made me like dig my nails into him, instead of making me feel more secure. But now I'm just like "Ehh, he can't break my heart if I already knew he wasn't mine for the keeping."
I don't worry about it anymore though. I love him and I'm not worried about it. If it's supposed to work out, it will.
Well, I'm only a few minutes away from Cannon, so when I can blog again, I will.

Xoxo, k

Free Crappy Portraits and Other News

Back when I still had orders for Japan, I sent a picture of Westin and I to the wonderful people at Free Crappy Portraits and got this lovely little pdf in my email earlier this week. It's so stinkin adorable.

In other news, my Broadcast video production class has been insanely busy and demanding lately. But I finished editing my VOSOT (or Voice Over Sound On Tape) before lunch and it's not due until 4. So I've had all afternoon to do nothing, which is positively wonderful. I've been watching Taylor Swift music videos with my friend Jaye, listening to spoken-word poetry by Anis Mojgani, and catching up with friends on Facebook.
Last night, I was very sad and homesick for Teri and my family. Today, I'm listening to He is Legend, DJ Kool, and Stevie Wonder... and feeling nothing but subdued energy. I want to rip off my ABUs, kick off these horrid combat boots and dance like crazy. I haven't danced in far too long. I do believe the last time I really properly broke it down was April 2nd, my last Saturday in Tulsa. I went to Andrew's birthday party at The Estate with Teri and we cut a rug.
I love my friends here in Maryland, but they like drinking and sitting more than dancing... which is a problem when you love gettin' low like I do. Being surrounded by people that want different things than what I want is a big challenge, and is what makes me so homesick. I'm not looking to just hook up with someone and I don't want to be drunk every moment of my life. I'd rather do something educational and classy than get schmammered at the bowling alley or the mall every weekend. I've heard that alcoholism is a serious problem in the military and now I understand why. You take bored, homesick people, give them a big paycheck and nothing to do but either a) sit in their room alone and read, or b) be social and drink with everyone else.
It's not a problem for me, but I can already see how it effects people that I'm here at tech school with and it's sad. But there's no alternatives to a good time that I've been able to find that's cheap, nearby, and better. If you have any ideas on what to do on base instead of drink, please share!

XOXO, k

Homesick

I can't tell if I miss home because I miss home, or if I miss home because it represented a really chill time in my life. I desperately wish I could sew, paint, and sing along to my favorite songs with the windows open. I wish I had time to take pictures with my Diana. I wish I could sit with Teri on the windowsill drinking coffee and listening to Otis.

I'm growing up, and it's scary. I care for people that I may never see again. I miss people I know I'll never see again. I just wish I could go home for a weekend... but the life I've chosen isn't very kind or considerate when it comes to homesickness. But if you read this, please pause for a mo and pray for me. Pray that I can find home somewhere other than Oklahoma so it doesn't hurt as bad here in Maryland.

Hello, New Mexico!

Well, The Air Force was going to send me to Yokota, Japan Air Base for the next three years for my first duty station. BUT some DBA made a change and I got word of it today. So now I'm going to be stationed at Cannon AFB in New Mexico. I'm glad to still be in the South, but I'm still completely in shock and a little disappointed. I'm thankful that I'll still be close to home, but it's still pretty unreal that I'm not going there at all anymore. I'll still be in the same country as everyone I know and love, which was my biggest disappointment about going overseas. And Westin and I are now only a 9-hour drive away from each other, instead of a 24-hour plane ride... and that's definitely a plus.

So, aside from the immediate disappointment of no longer going overseas, I'm very thankful to be close to my loved ones. The Lord knew what He was doing... which is great because I never have an effing clue. :)

This Is It

Good Monday Morning!
Today is a beautiful day. I am loved. I am secure in my future, because I know that God has prepared me for such a time as this. I was created wonderfully and destined for victory because my name is no longer Broken. I am a New Creation. Made new and beautifully in my imperfections, many they are.

I am strong.
I am prepared.
I am ready for success.
I am ready to give love.

Tech School Blues

Dear friends,
I promise I haven't forgotten what it means to blog faithfully. I think and wish I was blogging every time I sit down to write a paper. I'm currently in the 4th most difficult tech school out of all Department of Defense jobs. I was told this would be a challenge when I got here. And now I understand exactly what everyone was talking about. I made the mistake of informing my instructors that I wanted to be the best, not just the best I can be. They're critiques are harsh too, let me tell ya. I haven't straight up been told that I suck but the fact that I've received a 62% on every read (and for different mistakes at that!) makes me feel pretty worthless. 


But, just like anything new I try my hand at, I have to suck at it in order to learn from my mistakes. I have to be told repeatedly what I'm doing wrong in order to get it right. Unfortunately, speaking isn't one of those things that you can re-do immediately (unless you wanna get docked points for stumbling over your words, anyway). This portion of training is only 15.5 days long though, so thankfully I won't suffer this harsh verbal lashing everyday that I'm here.
Tomorrow is a new day though! And I'll be critiqued by a different instructor tomorrow, which should be nice. Change of scenery and audience will help me feel like less of a failure tomorrow when I go into the sound booth. I can't do worse than I've been doing. I can only go up from here, so that is precisely what I shall do.


Aside from my BWAS (Broadcast Writing and Announcing Skills) class being dumb, life here is pretty great. I get to see my brother, sister and brother-in-law this weekend for the first time in over a year! Alas! The Coager kids will finally be reunited! I am so incredibly excited. I have to head back here to Maryland on the 4th, but that's not a bad thing because I'll get to celebrate it all weekend with the sibs. Then I get to celebrate it with my man-friend, Westin, and all of my fun tech school mates! 


I found out my first duty station is Yokota, Japan. I'll be there for three years. CRAZY huh??? I will literally be on the other side of the globe from everyone I love and find comfort in, which is a rather terrifying thought. I know I'll be alright though. I've known this entire time that this was where I would end up, but it's still wild seeing it all come to pass. 


I'm not going to waste anymore time talking or writing about stress. I'm going to pretend it isn't there. Because it isn't. I can only improve from here. I literally have nothing to lose. I'll get to Japan eventually, even if I get recycled. Oh well. :)




Love, love, looove,
K

More Like Me

My life is finally starting to feel like my own again. It's taken a while to adjust to not being at BMT anymore but getting to wear my "civvies" ( "civilian attire") definitely helps. I got to read a book today. And I've been listening to something other than angry MTIs and cadences. Music, literature and dear friends make me feel like I'm still the girl that's been locked up under this "military bearing". I am and always will be a believer in the impossible, in the power of beauty and, most of all, love.

I got on Facebook and looked at photos of my former life and I definitely felt a deep ache that I've been ignoring since the third night that I was at BMT. That third night, I cried myself to sleep, and vowed that I wouldn't do it again for missing home. Now I can't sigh without shuddering a bit. The realization that I'll never return to my previous life is bittersweet. I've chosen the life of a gypsy with the discipline that the military requires. It's pretty weird to think that I may not "settle" anywhere for the next twenty years (i.e. when I could potentially retire from my military career).

Class starts on Thursday for me, and that's when it all begins. Coming here I knew that not a lot of people in the Air Force had a Broadcast job. But, upon arrival, I realized why that is. Broadcast Journalism has the 4th highest drop out rate out of all AFSCs (Air Force jobs)... which means there is a chance that I could fail. But I refuse to accept defeat before I even begin class. I'm sharp, an excellent voice actor, and I already know about what I'm getting myself into. I can do this. And I will not fail.

From Inside Valley Hi Gate, Trainee Coager Reporting

Basic Military Training... What an experience. I am currently writing from insidethe walls of the prison known as Lackland AFB, sitting on my bunk. I have 36 hours until the Airman's Run starts, which will be the first time I get to see my family in two months. I've gained 11 pounds in muscle, so I'm pretty positive they won't recognize me. I'm a new man.

I write about gratitude so much already but this experience has given me that much more to be thankful for. I never realized how vital blueberry muffins were to my well-being. I've never needed a Skype coffee date with my sister, Lauren, more. And I never knew that pooping would be the closest thing to alone time that I could get.

I thank God for getting to be a part of this family known as the Air Force. I will be taken care of in every way possible. Like seriously. As long as I'm in the Air Force I will be totally taken care of. It's such an empowering feeling knowing that, from here on out, I am the determining factor in where I go in life. The fact that I didn't have much growing up doesn't matter anymore because now I get paid salary. If I get sick, I can go to the doctor, get seen immediately, and not ever have to pay a dime for a co-pay. I'll even get an annual clothing allowance of $700.00 so I can get a brand new wardrobe annually.

I have never felt so limitless in my entire life. I am so excited about my life right now. When I have more time to write about the best and the worst parts of BMT, I will. Until then this little post will have to do. I love you all and I can't wait to tell you all about my integration into military life.

Con Mucho Amor,
K

Peace Out.

In downtown. In my adventure dress.

I leave Monday at noon for Basic. I can't freaking believe it's finally time for me to leave. Just when I started getting comfortable in my new casita with Cyterica. The last three weeks have been incredible, albeit unpredictable, but I wouldn't change one thing. Just when I think I've got myself figured out, something happens and I'm left feeling small and clueless. But the beauty of life is that, even if it hurts, we still feel and it helps us know that we're alive. We're all still connected through sorrow and joy, and the Truth that binds us together is real. I am loved. I love others. And I will continue to grow as an individual and in all of my relationships.


The challenges that lie ahead of me are hidden in the shadows of the unknown. But, once the light of the present shines on them, I will face them. And I will come out on top. No matter what I go through, what I see, or who I meet, I will always just be Kristen. Because, even at twenty years old, I haven't figured out what I projected to by now. And that's just fine. But I choose movement, not stasis. I can't stay in this town and grow stagnant. I must explore bigger waters. I desire knowledge and adventure and that is precisely what I will find.


I'm expected to graduate on June 3rd, and I will summarize my experience as best as possible once I've graduated. Thank you everyone for your love, patience, and encouragement in my little writing endeavors. I will be going to Broadcast/Journalism and Photography school at Fort Meade, which is right outside of Baltimore, Maryland. I will blog through that whole adventure, so you'll get to learn about the Air Force right along with me! Hooray! Get ready for an adventure, folks!




Con Mucho Amor,
Kristen

Party: Success

Last night was my going away/21st birthday party in Stillwater. It was absolutely wonderful. I can't even begin to explain how much fun I had. I am so very thankful for everyone that came out to dance, go paint-and-powder crazy and make it the best night of my life. I'll post pictures and write a list of my top ten memories from the night later. Right now, I'm taking a much-needed nap.




Xoxo,
Kristen

Yellow

I went to a random concert last night at this basement venue called the Hell Cactus. It was like being transported back into the 70s. There were sweaty, greasy hippies tripping acid, grooving and spazzing to the music, and the rock was so raw and dirty you could hardly make out the lyrics above the feedback. Someone brought a upply of 3-D glasses, so during the Dull Drums whole set (they were the headliners), I hippie danced to watch the pretty colors change. haha. It was well worth the wait. I had such a good time and, consequently, only got five hours of sleep last night. But it was awesome.

I've been kinda bummin about the fact that I'm leaving. My countdown is at 11 days right now before I leave for Basic. For the last 11 months, I've stood strong against falling in love because, at this point in my life and my ever-looming career, it would be pointless for me to begin anything romantic. So I'm fighting myself as best as I can. It's been three wonderful weeks but I have to get real with myself. I'm leaving Tulsa and I'm not searching for a reason to come back.

Some Things

 I'm finally on my own, enjoying my newly established freedom. Teri is like my twin, so it's not difficult staying happy and being together all the time. Work is good. I have two more days with Jack and two more shifts at Chili's before I'm no longer occupied by the frivolousness of guiding people to seats so they can over-indulge in food that's terrible for them.


Although I am capable of opening my heart, sometimes it's best to establish a no-expectation policy... which is why I am going to be a cat lady with Teri. We'll retire somewhere nice and breezy where we can wear sun dresses all the time and not have to worry about silly things like boys with beards.


That is all.


XoXo,
Kristen

Challengers

On a completely different note from my last blog post, life is exciting, wonderful and as promising as it will ever be. Moving in with Teri is going to be a total blast. We both have off work for the next three days and, since it's spring break, we are obligation-free. I am so excited to have someone to be alone with, instead of just being alone on my own. We are going to bake together and I'm going to start cooking for us! I could not be more thrilled than I am right now. The sweetness of independence is on the tip of my tongue. I can't wait to swim in it.

Andrew and I have been seeing each other, which is funny how things work out. Our just-for-fun date has comfortably become a sweet little spring fling. He's a dear, and a jolly good time to be with. We dance fiercely together, I laugh at all his silly jokes and he holds my hand in front of his friends. I am very pleased with this arrangement, even if it's only temporary. It's still nice to spend time with a sweet friend and learn who they are. I love getting to know people, and understanding why they are the way they are. He's really interesting and I feel like I have a lot to learn from him, which makes talking to him easy.

We're pretty photogenic together (if I do say so myself), and I am looking forward to taking many more pictures with him on the adventures we will have together over the next three weeks.

I hope posting this picture doesn't make me creepy,
but I think it's pretty adorable. Cute boy.

You Grow, You Roar

"I wonder if I'm allowed ever to see.

I wonder if I'm allowed to ever be free.

I wonder if I'm allowed just ever to be."

-Tornado, Jonsi

Life has been very interesting and the emotional tide has been higher than normal. My dad has taken the roll of probation officer in my life because he is convinced that spending time with my friends is going to cost me my life or, worse (in his opinion) my career in the Air Force. He is convinced that I am going to accidentally ingest weed or some other illicit substance that would make me fail the drug test that I have to pass when I go to MEPS for my final processing tests before Basic. He is so worried and afraid that something is going to happen to me that I've even started thinking "What would happen if (insert terrible freak accident here)?" and I have never been a worrier before in my life. I don't know if it consoles him to make someone else scared shitless for their life. I could go out and live my life, enjoy the last three weeks here in Tulsa with my friends, and everything would be alright. But he can't live knowing that something terrible could be happening to me at any second of every day. He's going to worry himself to death. He is, after all, the one who got so worked up and stressed out about work (and the fact that I didn't spackle my bedroom walls when he wanted it done) that he almost had a stroke just last week.

 Life is too fucking short, exciting and unpredictable to spend sitting at home, worrying about what could go wrong. I'm not going to let stress rule my life and determine what I do on a daily basis. It truly breaks my heart that it has come to this. But I'm not going to let him keep me prisoner in this house when I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this mistrust.

Yesterday, he gave me an ultimatum: I have to be home by 10 pm every night from now until I leave for Basic, or I have to move out. He also said he "hadn't decided" if he was going to let me go to my own Going Away/21st birthday celebration. After much consideration, I've decided that this is just too much possessive behavior for me. His controlling habits are not something that I have to submit myself to as an adult. I didn't even have a curfew at 16, but now I have one at 20...? 

I love him and respect him as much as I can, but it isn't mutual. I sat down with him yesterday and read off my points, reasons and arguments for why I thought he should let me continue spending time with my friends, and not put a time limit on me. But it was to no avail. I'm not out there having sex, doing drugs and getting drunk. I'm hanging out with my friends, eating at diners in Tulsa, driving around Tulsa taking pictures, watching movies into the wee hours of the night, and enjoying the sweet friendships that I won't get to enjoy like this [obligation-free] for the rest of my life.

Not Much

I miss the 90s, mainly for it's rainy days and gospel music. Please listen to this song and be blessed.

I really needed tonight, and I am so thankful for my extended family at OFA. I forgot how much beauty there is in brokenness. I can do no good, I can accomplish nothing worthwhile without God-inspired love motivating me. I may be good at faking happy, but when I allow Jesus' joy to take its rightful place in my heart, there's nothing fake about it. Life is scary sometimes because we don't know what's going to happen. But being afraid isn't going to put me in control of anything. So I'm surrendering. No more Kristen.

Life-Long Living

I've been so stinkin' busy lately! Between working with Jack during the day, hosting at night and on the weekends, and juggling about four doubles a week, I hardly have time to sit, think and write. But, now that  have some time, I have so many things to write about I can hardly decide which to discuss first! 

 

Date Night

I'll start off with the follow-up to my date ad that Cyterica posted for me. Tuesday ended up just being a Kristen and Teri date night. We couldn't find the place where they were having to author come speak, so we gave up our hunt and settled for $5 Pizza Night at Joe Momma's Pizza (which is right by where the Booksmart event was supposed to be). I ran into a friend that I worked with at Hideaway Stillwater, who works at Joe Momma's now. Her manager approached Teri and I and asked if we were interested in applying to work there. I told him I was leaving soon but that Teri's been looking for a job. She filled out an application, interviewed on the spot, and went in the next day to be offered a job on the spot. How awesome is that!?! We were so excited because we had just been talking about how much fun it would be for her to work there, and she mentioned that she'd applied there before. She goes in tomorrow for her first day on the job! Yay! Good things come to those who wait.

Dance Night

Thursday night, I had to work but Teri cam and got me afterward and we went dancing with a bunch of her friends. It was so great. I haven't hung out with people that love dancing as much as I do in aaaaages! Andrew was kinda my date and we danced together a lot. It was fantastic. Brotha can break it down, and he's a fun-loving guy so it was definitely a good time. After going to the District, we went back to Andrew's house for an after-party, which was a wildly good time. We danced to the entire FMFC Matt&Kim/Jay-Z album, and we didn't stop dancing until about three in the morning. I stayed the night at Teri's, then we woke up (with dead legs because I dance for about five hours straight), showered and went to breakfast with Andrew and Bobby, one of my new friends through Teri and Andrew.

The Rest of the Weekend...

was really interesting. There were lots of ups and downs. I had to work a double on Saturday, and I was still totally dead from going dancing, so it was rough. I slept REAL good that night though, and woke up yesterday morning and got ready because Teri and I had plans to make some stencils. (We're determined to be the next famous street artists, like Banksy, so we're practicing now). 

As I was getting ready to hang out with Teri, my dad called to me from downstairs and said he was going to have my step mom take him to the hospital. He said he felt really confused, couldn't remember where he worked, and felt like something was wrong. So I made him take some Aspirin and sit down, while Nonna finished getting ready. They left, and I didn't want to sit at home and worry, so I called Teri and told her what was going on and she said she'd be over to pick me up in a bit so we could go shopping. We went to the Goodwill here in Owasso, and we both got some really awesome stuff. I lucked out though because I found a pair of black-and-red-floral Original Dr.Marten's for $8.00. I also got a Schwinn t-shirt, a black long sleeve shirt that says "My Mom Rocks", a chocolate brown corduroy skirt, and a beautiful leopard-printed cotton wrap skirt. I got it all for 26.00 even... which is why I LOVE going thrifting!

I got back home around 2:30, and Dad and Nonna got home a bit later. Come to find out, he had what's called an AIT, which is basically a mini-stroke. It's caused by a blood or plaque clot in the brain, which repairs itself. It's still brought on by stress, and high blood pressure.

They did a CAT scan and saw that everything was fine, but he has a follow-up appointment with his physician tomorrow to get him on medication for his high blood pressure. He decided to give up his political endeavors, which I'm really happy about. I hate what campaigning does to his nerves, because that stress always finds its way into the happiness of the household.

After I found out he was okay, I went and hung out with Teri again. We got our art supplies from Walmart, ate at Chili's (where Andrew met up with us), then went to Teri's parents house to make our stencils. I made a cupcake with hearts around it and "XOXO" above it, Teri made one that said "R.I.P. Revolution In Progress", and Andrew made one of America with a bicycle layered over it. They all turned out awesome so we spray-painted them onto a piece of canvas that Teri had at her house. 

This is how it turned out:

Awesome.

After we finished our stencils and painting, Andrew and I drove around Catoosa and North Tulsa going through each other's music selections and singing along to the songs we both know. We did that for a while, then went back to his house "The Estate", where Andrew and a few of our mutual friends live. Bobby, his girlfriend Alyssa, and a few of the guys were watching "Daybreakers", which is a sick vampire movie, but very well made. Then we watched the Naked Gun, which I had never seen before. But it was positively hilarious. I had a really great time hanging out with them, and I'm glad I have the chance to before I leave for Basic. They're really fun people, and Teri is a wonderful friend. I'm so glad she's in my life, as well as my new friends. :)

Cheesecake

 I went on a date tonight. It was really enjoyable. I went out with a guy named Will that I work with at Chili's. He picked me up in his Dad's cherry red Shelby. I felt like a total rock star, which is always a good thing to experience on a first date, I think. It wasn't awkward like normal dates though and I owe that to his laid-back personality. The quiet moments weren't made into awkward pauses in conversation. They were comfortably quiet.
We hung out last night too, and I met his dog, Sammy, who was my competition for his attention. I didn't mind though. We watched a really interesting documentary on street artists and a cinematographer-turned-pop art-artist. It was cool and considerably more engaging than watching a movie in the theatre. 

This is a piece done by, Banksy, the street artist that
was featured in the documentary Will and I watched.

Banksy is a genius. Check him out.

Will is really easy-going and comfortable to hang out with. I'm really liking the fact that I have a bunch of new friends from working at Chili's. I would say "I could get used to this" but my count down is at 35 days right now. So, for the next 35 days, I wouldn't mind tonight happening again.


Much Love,
Kristen

He is Mine

I've just had a very interesting night, filled with lots of grimy, existential questions, a documentary about graffiti and pop art, and the gentle nocturne of Owasso during spring. 


Not everyone chooses to believe in God, have faith in the unseen, or invest in the idea of a loving God that sacrificed Himself for me. And, if they're happy with that decision, good for them. But that is not what I choose to believe, and there's no changing it. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. He is mine, and nothing can separate me from His love.


I am absolutely convinced that nothing- nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable- nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way Jesus our master has embraced us. 


-Romans 8:39 (The Message)


If this isn't true, then I don't know what else is.

Datee

I've noticed a dramatic decline in suitors in the last several months, which I owe to the facts that 1. I'm going into the AF, and 2. I don't really talk to guys in general (due to the internal desire to not get tied down emotionally). But, as of late, I'm just getting really bored with not hanging out with the cool guys that I know are out there. I mentioned this earlier to my sweet friend, Cyterica, and she suggested posting an ad for me on Facebook. I agreed to it and I am now tagged in an ad that is as follows:

WANTED: handsome young men with fun personality that would be interested in going on a date with the beautiful and lovely miss Kristen Coager. nothing serious, just a good time with good company. now accepting applications! sidenote: a just for fun date is not the equivalent to a one night stand, don't bother applying if that's your only interest.

I'm not used to being advertised in such a manner, but it's not so bad considering I got an offer in the first five minutes of it being posted. Ballin. It's just for fun and I'm sure it will be a great time. We're dressing up vintage-style (boys in bow ties and button-ups, ladies in classic cut dresses), probably getting dinner, going to downtown Tulsa for a photo shoot (me, Cyterica, and my date Andrew are all photography hobbyists), then to An Evening with Yann Martel to hear the author of Life of Pi speak at Booksmart. I am so incredibly excited. I'm re-reading Life of Pi right now, which is a total coincidence. And the man is a genius and has a beautiful heart and imagination. I can't wait to meet him. 

And if all the plans with boys fall through, I'm fine with that because I know Teri and I will have a wonderful time together no matter what.

On a different note, I just gave my number to a guy, which I haven't done in quite a long time. I was way smooth about it, or at least I tried to be. Either way, I am proud of myself for knowing that I've still got the guts to put myself out there. I almost thought I forgot how to flirt because it's been so long. But I didn't. Rest assured, readers... This lil mama still got game. 

Friday Chillday

Fake smiles are the same as real ones.

My bonsai tree is sad and shedding its leaves due to a lack of sunshine. I can relate, Mister Bonsai Tree. But if you fake smile for five minutes at the start of each day, your brain doesn't know the difference and it releases happy chemicals in your brain. Unfortunately, bonsai trees can't smile and trick their branches into thinking the sun is shining.

I had a dream that I kissed and cuddled with a guy from work. I kissed his neck and he shook his leg, like a doggy does when you scratch it behind the ear. It was cute. Then I got to work and the guy from my dream showed me pictures and videos of his puppies playing in the snow. I didn't even know he had dogs. I think eating Chili's gives me psychic abilities.

My two best friends from Stillwater are coming to visit me today! Sadly, I have to work this evening so I can't hang out with them. But seeing them will be wonderful anyway.

Since I've been so busy lately, I got off by a few days on my count down calendar. I have 39 days until Basic. Amazing.

Have a beautiful day. I know I will (despite the cold gloom that cries outside of my window for me to join in its misery).

Long Boat Pass

Today was a really great day. Jack watched Super Mario Bros. Super Show (circa 1989) on Netflix this morning and I dozed off cuz this sleepyhead's alarm didn't go off... which makes that the third day this week that my alarm has shut itself off. (I even triple checked it last night to make sure it would go off. And of course it didn't go off, so I threw on my pajama jeans, a t-shirt and a beanie, and stomped my way down the stairs.) My dreams followed the dialogue of the show, which made for some very interesting dreams.

After that, we painted pictures. He painted Star Wars ships in green, yellow and red. I painted the couch that I fell asleep on. I've never painted something with so little thought. But, after the dreams that I had, I decided to paint the couch as an ode to my slumber. And it was nice.
The painting isn't as clean as I normally paint, but I was just trying to paint it how I felt about it, not necessarily how it looked.

All I can say is I love my jobs. I love pretending to be a mommy, playing outside, then leaving around the time that I get bored everyday. I love playing Wii Sports Resort and getting beat by a four year old at every game (but not really). I love working with the public and getting paid to smile at people and ask them how they're doing. I love helping servers and the atmosphere of cooperation that most everyone exudes. I love making friends, sweeping, being busy and actually having something to do every day. Even though my job may be insignificant to others, I feel like loving people in the way that I do might make a difference. And if it does for just one person, then my work is not in vain.

I love my job but I am ready to continue growing and working hard in a different environment. I know the Air Force will be very challenging because it's a lot of structure for such a free-spirited dryad. But it will all pay off in the end. I look forward to the journey of growth and personal reform, and tradition and family that I am about to become a part of. It will be beautiful. I am so ready. It's so close I can almost feel the electricity of being screamed at non-stop. 42 Days.

Sidenote: I am currently in love with the band Tennis. Their songs are so lovely, and I've had the song Long Boat Pass stuck in my head all day. Listen to it. It will make you feel happy inside. The singer's voice reminds me of a girly version of Buddy Holly. So cute.

43 Days

I worked my first of three doubles in a four day span. And I'm already pooped. I played hard this morning, then hosted hard like I do. It was a super chill night, but the boredom gave me time to feel tired, and the fatigue has not left my body or eyes. I'm hoping to have an hour and fifteen minutes to wash and dry my uniform tomorrow. If not, well then I guess I'll go to work smelling like fajitas. But it doesn't matter because that smell doesn't leave the restaurant anyway.


I really need to read some "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" because I've been reading "The Five Love Languages" today and, written for a married reader, it is making me feel awfully single. And there's a storm front moving in tonight, which makes me want someone to sleep in and cuddle with, make coffee for and read books in silence with all day. And as wonderful of company as Jack Jack is, he's four, can't read, and doesn't grasp the concept of quiet.
I need contentment. And to remember how intentional these days are. The longing for companionship will never cease, but the sadness comes and goes as it pleases. That needs to stop. Help me, beautiful Jesus, to love everyone and every season of life that you've blessed me with. Help me see the beauty of purification in every tear of lonely sadness that I cry. I'm one day closer to you, Beloved. Don't let my heart forget that.

"Extravagantly"

I've written about how much I love this song many a time, but I just want to reiterate the beautiful message that it provides. Give all that you have to others, heart and soul, time and compassion. Love people bigger than you humanly can, and it will expand your heart and capacity to put others first. It is more fulfilling to give love than it is to receive it. If you're not sure what it means to love or how to do it, read this:

The Way of Love

 ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. ^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
 ¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
 ¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
 ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
(1 Corinthians 13 from The Message)




**Sidenote: If someone says they love you, but their actions don't line up with the above definition, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. I write this because I want you to live well and understand that joy is attainable, despite the ups and downs of life. You deserve to find the peace that God provides in exchange for our acceptance that we're not in control of life. So breathe in the truth and let freedom renew you. Let the unpredictability of life pleasantly surprise you and bring you real love, not the store-bought kind.




From my heart to yours,
Kristen 

Just Gorgeous.

Life is only getting sweeter and sweeter. I had a wonderful Valentine's day. The sun was out so Jack Jack and I played King of the Snow Mountain, threw and kicked chunks of ice in the road, and enjoyed the sunshine with books and the Power Rangers (they came out to play with us). We watched some of Despicable Me and then I was on my way.

I went home, read some Harry Potter, and got all dolled up for an evening of running around like a mad woman for three and a half hours straight. As I was getting ready, I embraced Amy Winehouse hair and makeup.

Healthy Amy, not cracked out Amy.
She's so gorgeous when she's not on drugs.

Combined it with my hostess uniform which I felt savored highly of an American Apparel add. This one specifically. I have to wear a polo and khakis. Since I have a really short torso, pants with regular waist lines look high-waisted on me. I am all about embracing that trend from the 70's because I won't have to work hard to rock it. And I can proudly flaunt my naturally high waist! That is why I love fashion. Because it helps you embrace the physical characteristics about yourself that you cannot change (by playing them up) and express who you are on the inside.

After work, I rolled silverware to help the servers get out faster, then went to Applebee's with some new friends from work. I am so very thankful that they pressured me into hanging out. They're breaking me of the anti-social tendencies that I've apparently developed over the last several months. We drank water and talked until about 1:30 in the morning. It was very wonderful. I am so very thankful, as I always say, for the phenomenal people in my life, and everyday I realize how much more I am blessed with that I do not deserve. I didn't know what to expect when I moved back to Owasso, but the people I am closest to now are not who I would have expected. It's been such a beautiful surprise.

Today I've done nothing but bake cinnamon rolls, talk to my sister on the phone, clean my room, and chill out to Value Pac, Jimmy Eat World, and the Unforgettable music channel on XM Radio (which is all the classics from the 40 and 50's). Quite the conbination, eh? I walked to the bank in my tie-dyed heart dress that I bought from one of my hippie friends that I worked with at Hideaway, who is the tie-dye artist that does all their shirts. When it's warm and beautiful outside like it was today, it makes me miss late nights at Hideaway eating pizza and drinking beer behind the restaurant with all of my work friends. Those are the good times in college that I do actually miss. They're really open-minded people, so I was never judged for anything. It was really refreshing after growing up in the City of Character.

I am so glad I moved back though. It's been difficult but really fun even still. I am so excited about what the next few days will bring. Lots of change and risk, but it'll all be for the best!

Xoxo,
Kristen

Dog Problems

I just watched The Format's music video to their song Dog Problems which is totally adorable.

 And it inspired me to make some rings! I couldn't find tiny fedoras anywhere like the one in the video, but I'm going to use brown Lego fedoras! 

If you want me to make you one, let me know.


Love,
Kristen

Love is Like Pi

Love is like Pi- natural, irrational, and very important.


-Lisa Hoffman




Today has been a beautiful day. I had to work this morning, but it was a good shift. I love working in Owasso because I get to catch up with random people that I hardly ever see. I went to church this evening for the first time in weeks and it was wonderful. My life is going to be changing very soon for the better, and it was confirmed this evening. I can't say what just yet, but once it happens, you'll know.


Tonight we started an amazing video series on Marriage. It made me realize even more that I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. I started reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" yesterday, and I love it (despite Joshua Harris' out-dated terms, catch phrases and references to cassette tape players). What's ironic is I've had this book since I was 14. I've started it probably five times over the last seven years but I've never been truly committed to seeing it through to the end until now. I've learned my lesson the hard way with dating (which is how I have to learn most crucial lessons), so now I am more than willing to heed Mister Harris' advice on how dating is stupid. Because he's totally right. It's definitely not all that it's made out to be. (Da da tist).


 I am trying to change my approach toward the male species, and I think the only true way for me to do that is by aligning my heart and expectations of real love and marriage with the word of God. Life is always so unpredictable, and I'm still not ready to commit myself to someone else's problems because I'm trying to resolve my own. That way I can go into a courtship prepared (to the best of my ability) for whatever toils life will bring. The great thing about love though is I don't have to wait until marriage to love someone whole-heartedly and selflessly. I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life that I cannot help but love them that way. I never realized how much I have to be thankful for until this season of solitude. But I am glad to have this experience because I know that I cannot take any relationship (family, platonic or otherwise) for granted. When I acknowledge all the wonderful things in my life that I did not earn, it brings on a contentment that cannot be put into words.


I am single as can be. But this is the first Valentine's Day that I am so thankful to be without a significant other. Because I know that it's this way for a reason. I hope that you have peace about the relationship situation you're in, whether you're married, dating or single. And if you're not, you're the only one that can change that. Seek wisdom. Open your eyes to see all the beauty around you. And find the peace that you need. It often comes in the quite moments. But if you look for it, you'll find it. I know it's true because I'm living it. 

Oh, Romance.

I am so excited about love right now. And I am only a by-stander who happens to be good friends with both people that are totally falling for each other. It's amazing what happens when two people who love and serve God first get on the same page about everything in life. I hope that one day I can be in a beautiful, inspiring love like this. But it's not about me right now. It's about my sister, Laina, and my brother, Tyler. I love you two. And I love you as one.

My Hermitage

I worked the Friday night dinner rush and my friend, Kyle, that I used to work with back in the day told me that I'm not as outgoing as I used to be. It made me really sad at first. But I just don't know how to be more silly and bubbly than I already am. I am perfectly comfortable with the quiet, warm love that I feel like I give people. So why should I change when I'm just being the me that I've become over the last seven months? I never knew what it felt like to really be alone, and be at peace with it until recently. And, now that I am, I don't feel the need to be excessively outgoing. I'm not trying to impress anyone, and I'm not trying to make bffls. Maybe that's what I've lost: the desire to make a connection with people. Maybe I've lost my genuine touch. Or maybe, just maybe, I've gained the genuine love for people that I never had before, but it comes quietly instead of over-bearing or silly.

I finished reading The Great Gatsby again this afternoon and one of the characters, George Wilson, is described as a tired man. He wakes up tired, and lives in a town that is described as a gray land of ashes. When you're surrounded by colorful, lively, passionate people you become just that. But, when you're surrounded by selfish, lifeless people that live for nothing but giving the cold shoulder and eating the same three vegetables everyday of their life (potatoes, corn, and sweet peas are the only ones in our pantry), you slowly become that too, even if it's what you hate. I never thought I could ever be this unsocial and still be alive. If this had happened to me at 16, I would have felt a sense of entitlement on a social life. But coming back to this town, after being gone for so long, it's as if my friends have forgotten that I live here. I see them about as regularly as when I lived in Stillwater, only I live two blocks away, not two hours away.

Because I'm leaving, it's easy to be reclusive instead of going out and making new friends. Because I'm counting down the days until the rest of my life starts, it's easier for me to not create any new attachments, when I know I'm just going to miss everyone that I love terribly. It's easier to create that absence from my closest relationships now than it is for me to act like it's not coming and then feel the full shock in my heart and body. I've chosen this absence from others' lives, this life of a hermit. It doesn't make me happy, but it's a way to get by without getting my heart broken or dealing with the disappointment of insatiable love. Because I'm leaving Owasso, and I'm not coming back.

I don't know what awaits me in the Air Force, but I pray it's a thousand times better than the life I live now. Because I never realized how much I need people and friendships. Just like the saying goes "You never miss it until it's gone." I don't hang out with people anymore. I went from living with my best friends in a dorm for nine months, to living in a two-bedroom house with 29 incredible lovely women of God for three months, to a five bedroom house with two other people (who alienate me from their universe). But I chose this. If I had a better option, I would take it in a heartbeat, but this is rent-and-utilities-free living. Sometimes I think I'd be a lot happier if I was homeless though. Maybe when it warms up, I'll move into the playground down the street. I always have wanted to sleep outside and under the stars...

But this, just as every other season in my life, is temporary. When this day ends, another begins, and so continues my life until the day Jesus calls me home. Until April 5th, I will continue making secret compartments in books (following this tutorial), I will continue painting trees and frowning girls, and I will continue taking my rolls of lomography film to Walmart, because CVS fails at life.

I may not know you, but please know that I mean it when I say I love you.

Sincerely,
Kristen

She

I'm going to work for only the second day this week. Being a broke as a joke is really getting old, so I am so glad that the snow is finally on it's way outta here! My nails have been gray for the last week and a half, but I'm really excited about working tonight, so I painted them yellow. I'm a little bummed that I'm missing the concert at Enerje tonight, but at least I'll be working and get paid hourly for it.

Things have been kinda rough lately, as the waiting game seems to be expanding exponentially, the closer April 5th gets. It's like in scary movies when the doorway at the end of the hall stretches farther away just when you so desperately want to reach for the door knob of escape. But God is faithful, and my life is a reflection of that. I have legs that can walk, a strong heart that lets me run, a brain that's good for thinkin', and a smile that can light up a room. But more importantly, I have a joy that extends far beyond any crap situation that life throws at me.
I am loved. I am beautiful. I am worth it.

Dying Alone is for Squares.

So yesterday was a crazy day but it was fantastic nonetheless. Owasso cancelled school, but Marie had to work, so I watched Jack and his older brother, Titus, who is normally at school when I'm with Jack. He's 7 years old but has the attitude of a 14 year old girl. Oh my stars. I've never had to put either of them in time out until yesterday. I think they're just sick of each other due to being couped up together from all the snow. I tolerated a lot of sass and feist all morning long, and it was really trying. And that is why I am not a mother. It is true that spending time with crazy kids is the best birth control there is.
After working with the boys, I went home and got ready for my first shift back at Chili's! I had so much fun. There's only a few people that have kept working there since I left back in May of 2009, but the people that have come along since are all awesome. And I saw some of my favorite Mexicans on the way in (Rafi and Daniel), so my next shifts are also promising because they're really fun to work with. It would be more fun if my brother and sister were still there, but life has taken them elsewhere and that's okay with me. I am just so thankful to be working there again. I really can't explain how much I love that restaurant; it's just everything I think a restaurant should be. Everyone follows the high standards set by the corporation. It's a beautiful thing.
As I was managing a wait and hosting by myself (which was way fun but kinda crazy), this young man came in with his parents. I'm really comfortable with myself so if I see someone that I think is incredibly attractive, I keep my cool and treat them like anyone else. But everything about this guy made me freak out inside. I think I obtained normalcy, but I was like screaming in agony at how gorgeous he was in my brain. He had blond hair that was neatly parted on the side, a gap in his front teeth (which I have a thing for), was wearing tan wool pants and a matching jacket, and had wonderful manners. I'm normally not into guys with blond hair but he was so freaking cute. I feel ridiculous for even writing this, but the world has to know about this. If you know a guy that meets this description that lives in Owasso, please let me know.
I'm not trying to be a scary single but I just want to know who he is. One of my friends came in to sit in her Mom's section, who happened to be waiting on this guy and his parents. I sat her directly across from him and told her that I thought he was way attractive. When they left, she told me that his older sister dated her older brother. She told me his last name but she doesn't know his first. I'm pretty sure I went to high school with him, but I don't ever remember meeting him (probably because Owasso is huge). I'm trying to accept the fact that I won't ever know him and that, even if I do meet him, it doesn't matter because I'm getting ready to leave for the next six years. I'm just a girl, what can I say. I get excited about the simple things. It's just reassuring to see that a guy that looks like the man of my dreams exists. Maybe I won't die alone after all...

Hostess with the Mostess

I went in to Chili's today and filled out rehire paperwork! And then I skipped over to Walmart and Target to get the elements necessary to make up my hosting uniform. I have never been more thrilled about going to work at a restaurant in my life! The fact that I know I'll be working under a fantastic management team is really awesome. As you've previously read, my experience with my last serving job (at Joe's Italian Grill) was quite the opposite of what I'm going to be dealing with on a daily basis. Not only is the managerial team excellent, but I'll be working side-by-side with people that I've known and been friends with for several years. One of my best friends, Laina works there still, so getting to see her and write her notes on receipt paper will be very nice!

I'm also really excited to be working with the public again. I love people so very much, and this season of solitude that I've been in for the last six months has been unlike any other time in my life. So I am very grateful to be going back to a positive, energetic environment again. The only downside is my hair will always smell like fajitas from now until the end of March. I know that working will make the time fly by, and I am so delighted that I get to enjoy my last few weeks working with a team that I am very confident in. I might not be blogging as much for the next several months, but I'll try to write as often as my schedule will allow.

I'm going to continue working with Jack Jack, so I'll always have pictures and such to post of our many adventures. I'm glad to have a fun and chill, playtime job and a fast-paced business job. I feel like the dynamics of the different environments will fit smashingly with my personality. Oh Lord, I am so blessed! I have wonderful friends who love me very much, a supportive family who is just awesome, two jobs to help meet my needs financially and mentally, and I'm surrounded by great people everywhere. If you're reading this, I am going to assume you are one of those awesome people in my life. I just want to say thank you.

Love,
K