You Grow, You Roar

"I wonder if I'm allowed ever to see.

I wonder if I'm allowed to ever be free.

I wonder if I'm allowed just ever to be."

-Tornado, Jonsi

Life has been very interesting and the emotional tide has been higher than normal. My dad has taken the roll of probation officer in my life because he is convinced that spending time with my friends is going to cost me my life or, worse (in his opinion) my career in the Air Force. He is convinced that I am going to accidentally ingest weed or some other illicit substance that would make me fail the drug test that I have to pass when I go to MEPS for my final processing tests before Basic. He is so worried and afraid that something is going to happen to me that I've even started thinking "What would happen if (insert terrible freak accident here)?" and I have never been a worrier before in my life. I don't know if it consoles him to make someone else scared shitless for their life. I could go out and live my life, enjoy the last three weeks here in Tulsa with my friends, and everything would be alright. But he can't live knowing that something terrible could be happening to me at any second of every day. He's going to worry himself to death. He is, after all, the one who got so worked up and stressed out about work (and the fact that I didn't spackle my bedroom walls when he wanted it done) that he almost had a stroke just last week.

 Life is too fucking short, exciting and unpredictable to spend sitting at home, worrying about what could go wrong. I'm not going to let stress rule my life and determine what I do on a daily basis. It truly breaks my heart that it has come to this. But I'm not going to let him keep me prisoner in this house when I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this mistrust.

Yesterday, he gave me an ultimatum: I have to be home by 10 pm every night from now until I leave for Basic, or I have to move out. He also said he "hadn't decided" if he was going to let me go to my own Going Away/21st birthday celebration. After much consideration, I've decided that this is just too much possessive behavior for me. His controlling habits are not something that I have to submit myself to as an adult. I didn't even have a curfew at 16, but now I have one at 20...? 

I love him and respect him as much as I can, but it isn't mutual. I sat down with him yesterday and read off my points, reasons and arguments for why I thought he should let me continue spending time with my friends, and not put a time limit on me. But it was to no avail. I'm not out there having sex, doing drugs and getting drunk. I'm hanging out with my friends, eating at diners in Tulsa, driving around Tulsa taking pictures, watching movies into the wee hours of the night, and enjoying the sweet friendships that I won't get to enjoy like this [obligation-free] for the rest of my life.

I have decided to move in with my sweet friend, Teri for the next 20 days, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I've got a lot of stuff to pack before I tuck in for the night. But I am motivated by the fact that freedom from this stupidity is hours away. Praise the Lord. This man has held over my head the things he's done for me that any loving parent would do for their child, as if he was doing me a favor by being my dad. Living with him has been one of those things. I'm just done. He's never been a good dad, and the future isn't looking much brighter. I'm done with this bull shit. I have to move on and stretch my wings for a little bit. If I don't, he's going to squeeze the life out of me before I even get to Basic. No thanks, Tim. I'm done with you and your neurotic ways.

Peace.