... Entrance Exam! (and the crowd goes wild)

I decided to start my conditioning for Basic officially. I've been working out off and on, but now it's time for structure. This is for real. I leave for MEPS tomorrow morning, so I figured "Why not give 'em a show and be (slightly) toned for my 15 minutes of fame?" (In this physical, they'll strip me down to my spankies and I'll get the one over by a doctor... I can't wait). The part that I am honestly looking forward to the most is the ASVAB. No sarcasm there either. I am a, how shall I say, competent test taker, so I'm just looking forward to proving my intelligence. I took it four years ago and scored quite well. I've taken several AP, midterm and final exams since then I'm not really worried about not doing well.

I'm just really pumped to be one step closer to getting the heck out of here and onto the road... or "Into the Blue" as they say. heh heh heh. ;D My only current obstacle is the fact that I took allergy medicine, went for a run, and my nose has not stopped dripping since. And I'm not kidding when I say dripping. I was washing dishes a little bit ago and watery snot dripped into the sink and almost landed on the dish in my hand that I was scrubbing. If it does not cease by the morning, I'm sauldering my nostrils closed. That's all there is to it. I have to go tomorrow. Nothing will stop me from succeeding. Not my damn runny nose, not nuthin' else.

I'm seriously considering rigging up my own version of this little gem before I go to bed tonight... Just in case.

That's all I have to say about that.

HxC

This is my brother, Michael, being hardcore at a show when he was in Magdalene. That is blood on his shirt. He busted his knuckles open on his set and it splattered all over the place. HE'S THAT HARDCORE. It runs in the family, I guess...

The Spoken show tonight was fantastic. I haven't had a chance to rock out to good music since I taught Hardcore Dancing 101 at camp this summer in the blazin' heat. I didn't sweat nearly as much tonight, which was nice. Thinking about how fantastic it is to go crazy to good music makes my heart yearn for The Biggest Celebration to ever exist... that is, when we get to Heaven. I imagine we will be so captivated by Jesus' presence in front of our new eyes that we will all go crazy. I plan on going hardcore for Jesus. It's what I've learned to do, so why would I stop when I actually get to be with him forever?

Forever... that's such an interesting word. We truly have no concept of eternity because our frail, finite human minds cannot swallow the idea whole. We exist in a universe trapped in time and God exists outside of it, so there's no chance that we will ever fully comprehend Him while we're in these fleshy capsules we call bodies. I love living for God, and I am just so excited to be with Him. Thankfully, He's given me chance after chance to be forgiven and stay in communication with Him. He let's me spend time with Him everyday. How wonderful is that? And yet it's still so hard for me to love Him everyday... I will never understand.

   Eternity makes me question why I don't talk about it more often. I get so caught up in the time frame of living my life that I completely forget it's not mine at all. If you read this and you and I are acquainted, next time we chat bring up eternity. And remind me that my life is not my own, and I'll remind you that you never know when you're going to die... and then we'll hardcore dance in the holy of holies, in the presence of God. On Earth. Because that's what we're called to do. We're called to bring it.


So bring it.

Red Red Wine

UB40

The song "Red Red Wine" by UB40 is easily one of my favorite songs of all time. I even loved it when I was a little kid. It has that reggae vibe that always makes me bob my head and try to sing along to the words that sound English, but not quite. I've never personally had red wine, but UB40 makes it sound like a friend and not an alcoholic beverage. I'm perfectly content with just listening to the song though.

On a different subject, I received a call from my recruiter today informing me that I am heading down to Oklahoma City to begin processing at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) on Tuesday. I am so excited. At first, I kinda shrugged it off when my dad told me he was proud of me and expressed more excitement than I could muster. But, as the realization settled in, I got excited. I'm not thrilled about the paperwork or the physical but about the fact that I am one step closer to being somewhere else.

As much as I try to fight it, I am not happy stewing in my own emotion and boredom. I am thoroughly enjoying this time of respite for my body and brain, but I need more than I'm giving myself. I cannot paint or sew away my need for adventure and challenges. The AF is going to help me (at least a little bit, I pray) find what it is that I'm good at and love doing. I mean, I'm good at plenty of things and I'm always happy with whatever job I'm doing... It'll just give me the opportunity to start my career. That's really what I want to do. College was fun, but I was not cut out for a state university, be it OSU or any other. I'm just not ready to decide on ONE major. If the AF doesn't cure me of indecision, it'll at least pay for all my schooling while I'm enlisted. BALLIN. High life, here I come!

He also mentioned setting up and audition for me to try for the Radio and Television Broadcast job that I'm really interested in. I looked into the job more a bit ago. It would require me to go overseas (yes, please) and I'd also get trained in another job to do at home. The OTHER job I've been looking at is Still Photography. The tech school for both jobs happen to be located at the exact same base in Maryland. Lord, if it is your will, make it happen!
 May it be so.

Brand New Day.

Family Tree by Timothy Karpinski

I'm embracing retirement to the fullest and I am teaching myself to quilt. It started out as a favor for Francyne. She's letting me borrow her sewing machine, so I was going to finish her quilt for her as rental payment. But now, I'm seriously in love with it. I even had a dream last night and it was just a bunch of images of fabric designs and pictures that I could create on a quilt. I do not understand why my brain is so easily inspired, but I'm not complaining.
       Life as of late has been quite wonderful, as always. Jesus takes care of me and replenishes my joy faithfully. I had a really long cry session the other day because the idea of loss is driving me to a point of personal conservation, which is not something I am very used to. Since I'm going to be leaving soon, I'm keeping myself really guarded despite my want. I have a tendency to invest, heart and soul, into people. Because I was made to be a relational creature, finding joy in spending time with people, investing in friendship. But I'm seeing that my life cannot be about what I want. At all. It has to be about God's timing in everything I do.
      When I finally got all the crying out of my system, I was just fine. Because that's how we women work. Sometimes we just need to let our emotions take over for a bit. It's quite a chore really but, in the end, we're left feeling much more liberated. Isn't that just beautiful? How there is freedom in allowing yourself to feel lost? That pretty much sums up my life story. I was only found when I became too lost to help myself. Hmm... yeah. God is love.

Blank Pages.

I went to Wal*Mart with Abbie, my bff/future sister-in-law, this evening and purchased a new notebook. Every time I start getting close to filling up a whole journal, I normally buy a new pen and a notebook. I am approaching the end of my beginning-of-fall book, so today I got an all black composition-style notebook. I am so excited about writing in it! I love the feeling of endless possibilities that I get when I open a new journal or sketchbook. It makes me feel like, whatever I so choose to pen in those pages, it's going to matter to someone. One of my children, grandchildren, or maybe even a stranger, will be able to identify with my words. They'll read my words and know my pain, my joy, my conviction.

This blog is very much like getting a new journal everyday, except my circle of influence with the words I type is unending. May the Lord speak through my words, and more so through my life. I hope you're reading this because you know my words are not meant to judge, but to love; not to lessen your pain, but to relate to it; not to steal your joy, but to share in it. I pray that you know that I am a broken vessel, completely dependent on the love of my sweet savior, Jesus Christ. I hope that you know that I'm not better than you. I have done things I am not proud of, but I have been restored by the love that burns in my heart.

When I have a rough day, when all the words I pen seem frivolous or uninspired, all I have to do is turn the page and it starts all over again. When I have a rough day, all I have to do is sleep. And when I wake up, His mercies are new. Each and every morning. Everyday that I write is one page closer to the end of this volume in my life... For I can not wait to see the face of my Beloved.

"God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new each morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left."

-Lamentations3:22-24

                                  "Take Cover" by Timothy Karpinski
http://www.thinkspacegallery.com/bio.php?artist=Timothy%20Karpinski

Strength and Weakness

I've never been fond of the idea of being rich, famous, or influential. I'm really terrible at being consistent with everything I do. I think I'd be a horrible example of what people should do, which is why I've always been afraid of achievement or being great at the things that I love. I never want to be held to high esteem or be put on a pedestal because it is a far fall. And, truthfully, I've always been afraid of heights. I've always been a child and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it.
     I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is not about me. It is scary and beautiful. I've been given the opportunity to do great things because I have been saved by grace. The things (the unsure, looming challenges that are fast-approaching) that I must conquer are not for my own sake, but for the sake of what is right and true. I stand, first and foremost, for the Love that Jesus Christ has shown me to be real. He sacrificed His life for me and lived as an example of the wonderful things that we, His Beloved, can do through the infinite Love of God.
    I am incapable of doing anything good on my own. But, now that I do not live for myself, I have no reason to be afraid of the great things in store for me. I am still slightly gun-shy because I've always been terrified of Holiness and the weaponry that comes along with the Truth. It is the flesh that I am made of that has made me this way. But I am determined to not live in fear anymore. I have nothing to be afraid of. Because I am not dependent on my own strengths any longer. And when I am at my weakest, His strength proves faithful.

  
"But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

Seasons Change.

I can't wait until the autumn cool rolls in. Autumn means warm blankets, fuzzy socks, and hot apple cider. It means falling leaves and football games. It means crocheting scarves for chilly necks and cuddling. It means slow dancing on the back porch to The Weepies and wearing mittens. We're almost there, folks!
      I don't matter, but I am so thankful that the Lord has given me such a beautiful life. I am so glad that I can appreciate the small things in life that bring me so much joy. I am so thankful that I have an education, the ability to work and establish my independence. For it is in my independence that I am becoming so much more dependent of His Love and guidance.
      Every time one season enters and another leaves, I get the song "Seasons Change" by Spoken stuck in my head. "For the first time I understand what I am without you. Without you, I am nothing." It reminds me that, no matter what, God is still in control. He gives and He takes away to draw us closer to His embrace. So, when I feel alone or hurt, it's consoling to know that He is in control of the storm. When the rain keeps pelting down, it is all for a reason and part of His plan.
    I've been weaned emotionally off my family, my church friends, and romantic relationships over the course of the past five years. It's been a tearful process, and I will admit that there were times when I questioned if God loved me. And, if he did, why He was letting me hurt. But now I see that, just as a parent must be stern with discipline, God has been stern with me in His love. He's allowed me to reap the consequences of my mistakes, but He's also rescued me when I could not make the right decision. His faithfulness has never waned. I am the one who has been wandering, for my heart is prone to do so.
     I want to encourage you to trust Jesus. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even if you cannot see your hand in front of your face, just keeping trusting. He will lead you out of the darkness. You won't always know what is going to happen next, but there is beauty and peace that comes with letting Him be in control. I am learning this. He will give you the desires of your heart in His perfect timing.

(Spoken, by the by, is playing at Enerje Event Center September 24th at 10:00! $3 in advanced or $5 at the door. Be there or be rectangular! Free pizza and beautiful music. What more can we ask for?)

Driving.

I don't have my driver's license yet. And I'm 20 years old. I like to pretend it's because I have epilepsy when people ask to see my license and I pull out my permit. It makes me feel justified, even though I have never had a seizure in my life. Yes, I am buying tobacco products. No, you can not judge me or ask why I still depend on my parents for Wal-Mart trips.
My sixteenth birthday seriously sucked, as did the months that proceeded it. I was really depressed at the time and going through rough transitions, like getting kicked out of the house, being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, and moving in with my dad. I had not spoken to him since my sixteenth birthday when  my mom refused to take me to his house so we could eat the birthday cake he'd made for me. He'd just had knee surgery. My step mom had just got a car so she could have come to get me. But she didn't.
       What should have been a really exciting time of personal growth and independence was crippling with pain and the realization that I was a burden. Not much has changed. But I'm tired of being a burden. Unlike Charlotte Lucas or Elizabeth Bennett from "Pride and Prejudice", however, I have the freedom and ability to change my situation... which is precisely what I am going to do. For some reason, I've made crazy emotional connections to others driving, other people being in control of my life because I've always been afraid to really be in control of me. Because it means I have to own up to everything I do wrong. I have to take control of where I am going and how I am going to get there. And that concept really scares the piss outta me. But it must be done, sooner than later.
   I will take control of my future. I will own up to whatever course I go on because, ultimately, I'm not even in control anyway. Jesus is guiding me. I just need to learn how to trust His voice that is telling me what to do.

And now you know the one thing I am most ashamed of... Man, I feel like I just shat my pants in public and accidentally smeared it everywhere. There you have my shat, ladies and gentlemen.

Venus fly traps, personified.

       It is almost five in the morning, which is the perfect time to start a new blog, right? I have decided to make this one public, to let people finger through the files of personal thoughts in my brain... ugh. Creepy. But it will all be beautiful because that's how I do things.
      I had a painting party with Francyne today. F-cyne and I have been homies for the last 14 years. We started out in Cloverbuds together, which is 4-H's tot program, back in '96. We've been tight ever since. We've started having Fridates each week, which consist of food, coffee, and doing something creative. Liz Lemon and the rest of the 30 Rock crew joined us at our painting party today. Tracy kept things lively, as always... (I've began forming personal relationships with all the 30 Rock characters in my imagination... is that healthy?).
       I started painting a pumpkin with a snail, but I used some gesso for the first time to add texture, and it turned out crap, so I'm waiting until tomorrow to fix it. In the mean time, I started a painting of a Venus fly trap plant, smiling and laughing. I rather like it. There's something about it that makes me think of the Black Keys song "Sinister Kid". It's catchy but cruel.
      Abbie inspired me to join blogspot instead of staying on wordpress. I feel like it was a healthy decision. I could never remember my wordpress password anyway. You think I would have taken the hint...

 Is it possible that I have bowlegs because I sat criss-cross-applesauce too frequently as a child?

Anyway, key lime pie and a date with Liz Lemon are always the best ways to waste away another Friday night as a twenty year old... You only live once, right? Ha. Can't live this crazy forever.

    I did, however, download some songs of my newest musical girl crush. Zee Avi. She's precious.

She makes me wish I looked Asian. Oh, wait... Her style is so sweet and her music makes me want to throw on some pearls, heels, a dress and beehive hair-do. And vacuum until my husband comes home from work. But as Francyne informed me when I expressed these feelings, she reminded me that I'd be vacuuming for quite a while. Because my husband doesn't exist. And then I was like "Oh, yeah. You're right, Francyne!" and then we ate chocolate chip cookies and drank coffee until it was time to commence the paint partying.

 Our blank canvases are blank no more! She's painting a close-up of a feather and I'm painting plants. Perhaps I should do this for a living...

 

She's not finished just yet, but here's a glimpse of my smiling fly trap...

END.