A Very Merry Unbirthday.

I've had a really great weekend. James and I went to OktoberFest Thursday evening with his crazy friend, then had a ten minute dance party in his kitchen. Friday we ate chili, played hide and seek and carved pumpkins with his family.

This is my skull and crescent moon carving on a white pumpkin.

James carved an owl with moons and stars and Daniel, his brother, went with a traditional Jack-o-lantern face.

 Saturday, a few girls from Xtreme met me at the John 3:16 Mission run and we helped operate a water station. I went to lunch with a sweet, dear friend from high school and she recruited me to read a novel for her to help her with an honors class that she's in. Saturday night, James and I went to the final installation of the Jurassic Park trilogy dinner parties. Tonight we baked cookies and rode our bikes through the neighborhood until we got lost. Thanks to his fantastic navigation skills, we found our way back to my house. I love super chill weekends.

Today is my half birthday, which means I have exactly six months before I'm 21. That doesn't mean much to me so I'm not super thrilled about it. I'm just looking forward to not being 20 anymore. I feel so young. My age does not reflect how old I feel inside. Is that normal? I'm sure it is. No one is ever happy with what they are or what they have. They always want the next best thing. My year of being 20 may be better than my 21st year. But you just never know. That's the nice thing about life. It's not very predictable.

Blueberry muffins and new pens.

Baby Willow Smith. I'm jacking her name for my firstborn.

Today is a beautiful day. I woke to the sound of construction workers hammering on a near-by roof, but I'm not going to hold it against them. I'm going to chill out to the sweet sounds of Big Band classics for the rest of the day. Abbie and I went to Wal-Mart last night, which makes three days in a row that I've gone there for one reason of another. Being a girl puts me at a financial disadvantage. Not only do guys get paid more for doing the same work as me, but I have to pay for more cosmetic supplies than they do. Life is so unfair...
Enough of that tangent though. I went to Wal-Mart and bought new pens, which is such an exciting thing. I always look for an excuse to handwrite everything when I get new pens. So if this blogging seems a bit scattered and formless, it's because I've been writing most of my thoughts in my journal for the last 16 hours. Sorry folks.

I'm having a lot of fun with the thirty days of Creativity challenge that I set out on. I already met my quota for the day with baking blueberry muffins for breakfast, but I'm going to do a bit of sewing just for kicks. I love my life... despite the financial burdens of being a woman.

I've been listening to a lot of great music lately and I'm lovin it. The sounds I'm currently swooning to are the likes of Regina Spektor, Joshua Radin, Kate Nash, The Bravery, Of Montreal, Florence + the Machine, Beirut, Justin Bieber (don't hate), and of course the cutie Willow Smith. I will never say no to a good dance (or in Willow's case, hair whipping) tune. Never. I love dancing too much. I hung out with my mum and stepdad the other night and Raul was showing me videos of my cousin Christina and I dancing at my Grampa George's house from when she was here in August. The Costa Rican side of the family is known for having random, late-night dance parties, which is one of the many reasons why I love spending time with them. That is exactly what happened that night and it was so great. The whole family was dancing. Even my baby cousins. The white side of the family has to be very inebriated to even consider going out for line dancing. Ooooh-klahoma, you've tainted my genes. Tut tut.

On that note, I bid thee farewell. I have a To Do list to finish before this evening. I'm hittin' the town tonight. Woot. My friend and I are going to Borders to read books we won't buy. I'm excited.

Jah Love.

The Haunting.

WARNING: this isn't a fun read. it might be kind of a downer. you may want to skip down to something else for something to make you smile.

I love Harry Potter. A lot. One of my friends from high school was equally as passionate and we went to several book release parties and such together. This summer, our friendship ended because I couldn't go with her to the Harry Potter amusement park. I'm not going to explain the whole tragedy but it was really sad. We had been friends for almost seven years and she let her temper and harmful words gets the best of the situation. Some words should never be said. Those are normally the ones you wish you could take back. But it was years of getting pelted with that kind of words that I had to say enough was enough.

I was stern with her and told her that she wasn't treating me with the respect our friendship deserved and that it would be a shame to see it end after all the great and rough times we'd shared. But it wasn't enough for her. You can't ask a child to be an adult and expect great results, and that's exactly what I was doing. So I had to let it go. I was really down about it and I talked to my mom to see what she thought. She said "Kristen, you love Jesus and she doesn't. No matter how hard you try to explain your feelings, she's not going to respect or understand them because she doesn't love Him. You may think you have a lot in common with her but, if her heart doesn't belong to Jesus, you don't have any thing in common with her at all. It all comes down to loving Him." John 15:19 says "If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." 

It will always be easier to part ways with the world than it will be to struggle and be weighed down by it. I realized I had to sever the ties between me and the people I associated myself with so intimately last year because they were not the vision of a Godly young woman that I needed that involved in my life. I'm sure Jesus has big plans for them just like  He does for me. But I had to choose to walk away from them in order to find what great adventure the Lord wanted to take me on.

It is still a major struggle to seek God above everything else, which is so sad because His love is the only truly inspiring thing I've found. But it's hard to be in love with such a perfect God. Because I'm so messed up and He is so Holy. He doesn't justify any wrong I do. Rather, He kindly asks me to give it up so I can love Him more. It's rough, but it's the life I was chosen for. 

Although I am no longer friends with the HP girl, I still think about her all the time. I started reading the first Harry Potter book again this week. I read some before bed last night and had a dream about her griping me out. I am haunted by the ghost of a lost friendship and I want it to end. I want freedom from the guilt that she holds over me in my sleep. This is out of hand.

Whip My Hair.*

I received a call from my recruiter today informing me that I got the Broadcast job I auditioned for! Hooray! This means that I'll be off to tech school right outside of Baltimore, Maryland after Basic. I could be done with tech school and living in a different country this time next year. Wild, huh? I am so excited! It's a dream come true. Granted, I was leaning more towards hittin' the turn tables with DJing, but I'll still get to refresh my mixing knowledge in tech school and I'll (hopefully) get to do radio, so I don't have to dress for success everyday. I wanna scratch a few records with Brooklyn's dad next time I'm in Fort Smith. Because everyone knows that's where all the best DJs go to get famous. The night life there is INSANE.

I still haven't decided if it is possible to do everything I've ever wanted to do in my life and still have a family of my own. Years ago, I was talking with a friend who had just gotten engaged. We were talking about dream jobs and I told her that there were so many things that I wanted to do and I couldn't wait to start living out my dreams. She said "Once you find a guy that you want to settle down with, you'll realize that they're nothing but dreams." I was taken aback by the way she completely dumped on my hopes of doing all the different things that I want to do. I'll never forget how convinced she was that I was going to settle. She went on to get married, have a child, get fat, and stay in the lame job that she was working when we had that conversation. Reflecting on her poor example has made me realize that my dream job(s) will never be mine if I settle (down) at this age.

I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom and I don't want to have kids anytime soon. I want to run around the world, network, gain experience in a real career and go out and do my own thing for a while. I see so many people from high school getting married and having babies and I know that is not for me... not right now, anyway. If I were to convince myself otherwise, I wouldn't be staying true to the burning desire for adventure that God placed in my chest.

So I must run. I must venture into uncharted territory. I must dive headfirst into the unknown. I know I won't drown. I'll survive and I'll love every second of it because hard work always pays off in the end. I'm pretty easy going so I know I like where ever I'm living. And if I decide not to make a career out of it (and retire at age forty), I'll still have an awesome time traveling for free then getting the sickk benefits of being a veteran for the rest of my life.

This is so much more than just 10% off meals for the rest of my life though. This is something so much bigger than me. I try not to think about it too much because I'm not comfortable feeling proud of things. But I do love America and I am proud to represent my country. This is going to be one helluva trip.

*BTW: I've been listening to Willow Smith's single "Whip My Hair" all afternoon. The video is incredible. Check it out.

Smiling stupidly.

If I could be a talking animal, I would be Luna.

Things have been nice and spontaneous as of late. I found the blog of a young woman seven years my senior who is literally living my dream. She owns a boutique (called Red velvet, which happens to be my favorite cake) with her sisters and best friend, has a pug, a fiancé, and a beautiful imagination. She is also in the process of opening a cupcake shop, which is also a dream of mine. My beautiful sister, Lauren, and I have seriously talked about doing just that. It's great to read the blog of someone who's actually doing it, so I know what to expect.

She has some great tattoos and designs them for her friends as well. I think I've found my heart twin. I wouldn't be surprised at all if we have the same blood type. Anyway, I am very thrilled about my future. It's going to be so beautiful. Everything always works out exactly like it's supposed to, so I'm not worried.

I was really excited about painting a picture on Saturday afternoon when I realized I left my paints and canvas at the church on Friday. Francyne and I spent our Fridate painting at the youth building before the Harp and Lyre concert. I forgot to pick up my supplies when I was there yesterday, so my creativity is all pent up inside me. I'm about to burst, so I guess that means that Jack and I are going to do lots of coloring tomorrow after we play in the rain. Can I be a nanny forever? I love getting to be as creative and imaginative as child with him everyday. It's like the adult world and worries that I've grown into don't matter when we play pretend. We had a very long "What if" conversation about popcorn exploding out of the microwave. I'd love to make that into a children's book.

I am listening to "The Girl from Ipanema" on repeat right now. It's such a great song. It makes me feel so dreamy. I'm sure the sleepy time tea that I drank a bit ago may also have something to do with that. This sleepiness leads me to saying Goodnight to you, world. You have been kind to me today. Let's keep that niceness up tomorrow too.

xox, Kristen

Thirty Days of Creativity.

My childhood best friend, Francyne, set out on a personal challenge to make something everyday for the next thirty days. She's placing each item (paintings, jewelry, and other various crafts) up for bid to raise money for Speed the Light, the Assemblies of God missons fund. She encouraged me to do it with her to allow God to help me perfect the talents the Lord has given me. My goal is to work out, blog, and either paint or sew everyday for the next month. So far, so good. This is day two and I went running and biking yesterday evening and this morning. I rode my bike to work this morning, I'm blogging and I'm about to paint a picture. My sweet friend, Laina, and I are biking again tomorrow morning.

Now that my schedule is becoming a bit more regular, it should help me ease into making these things a habit. Please pray that the Lord inspires me to glorify Him with every step that I run, note that I sing, step that I dance, stroke of my paintbrush, and word that I write. It's not easy to focus all things on Him when our society makes everything about our wants and needs. And on the fact that we were created to worship God in all that we do. But we were called to live our lives for His glory. Let's do this!

My Eyes.

I recently made an investment in eye wear options. And it was a wise decision indeed. I feel like I'm playing dress up everyday when it comes time to decide on which glasses (or lack thereof) I want to wear. I have five options, which are as follows:

         The Black Sally Jesse Raphael's:

They're trendy and make me look Asian. In my insecure days as a youth, I would get embarrassed when people would tell me I look Asian when I smile. I'm the only one in my family that inherited my Dad's rice eyes. But when I realized just how adorable Asian girls are, I decided to embrace the association and even accentuate it by wearing the disc-lens, SJR glasses.





                                      
            The Larry King's:

They're smart, they're sleek and they make me look like a boss. I can never go wrong with these ones.

God Save the King!

<--- I found this lovely picture of Larry King as the Queen of England.









                                                 
         The Child Molester's:

It's the killer from the Lovely Bones!

Initially, I got these gold, tear-drop aviators as a joke. I figured I could wear them on very special occasions. But then I remembered that I now babysit for a living, and it turns out that nicknaming your look "The Child Molester" isn't a very funny joke after all... Uhhh. Oh well, I promise I don't touch your children in inappropriate ways. I just thought the glasses were funny.


          Contacts:

They help me see, they're subtle, and they only give me trouble when I fall asleep in them, or get makeup or a stray eyelash in the ol' eyeball. My only current predicament is that I ran out of contacts and I don't have money right now to buy more. So if I don't wear the contacts or the glasses, I resort to my natural state of vision...



       The Hellen Keller:

I don't like touching people's faces to identify them as friend or foe. It's just too intimate for me. Hellen was a champ though so I figure, if I'm going to be a blind woman, why not be just like the bull dog herself?







Which look do you think I could rock the best? Input is mucho appreciated.
 Jah love.                                                

My First True Love.

I've always had such a difficult time accepting the concept of God, an unseen, omnipotent holy being who has sacrificed His Love in exchange for my life. It hurts my heart to think about such a great sacrifice, especially knowing that it was made for me when I was not yet breathing but trapped in my own hell. There is nothing I can do to make myself pure or worthy of the beautiful gift He has given me. Isaiah 64:6 says "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sin sweeps us away." For too long have I lived my life wallowing in my own filth. But it has exhausted me mentally, emotionally and spiritually to the point that I cannot deny His hold on my heart any longer. There is not a place I can run to or hide to escape the Love that has grasped my heart.

I am too weak to fight the beauty that He yearns to mold me into. My sweet Gardener is pruning away the thorns, the habits that hold me back from being wholly His. I am accepting the fact that I can not do anything right on my own. I need His gentle, guiding hands to show me how to "live a life worthy of the calling I have received" ( Ephesians 4:1).

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am the obstinate woman in the greatest romance story known to mankind. I am the woman who ran away when the man told her he loved her. I am the woman who gave herself, heart and body, to other men who did not care about her. I am the woman who chose infidelity as a lifestyle.  I am the woman that returned to her family only to leave them again out of selfishness. I am the woman who is broken and will never be whole until the day she sees her Lover with new eyes. I am the woman who can not deny that she is loved more than she deserves. My defenses are wearing thin and I cannot fight His magnificent love any longer.

I am in love with my Savior. And it makes my heart feel something for the first time in years. I have been numb and blind to His beauty for so long. But He knows me. He knows the walls I've built up, and He knows precisely how to tear them down in one swift motion. I cannot hide my love for Him any longer, but I don't want to.

Through  understanding personification, I've come to understand that I will never have to audibly hear His voice to know that I am loved by the greatest man that ever existed. He has displayed his scandalous beauty in my very being. He created everything in nature to help me see how attentive He is to my life. He pays attention to every detail and He shows me this through my relationships with caring people that can read me like a book. He is showing me what it means to be in Love, and that it is done by living in the truth of His Word. He has brought me freedom by helping me understand that my life is not my own. I've screwed up every day of my life, but it doesn't matter anymore.

He is opening my heart to love Him more than I've loved anyone or anything in my entire life. And, unlike every other time I have loved a man, this time it doesn't hurt my heart. I know that in Him is where my affections should lie. No where else. My heart was made to dwell in His love. I have not been content anywhere else. And for the rest of my life, if I am not with my First True Love, I have no place to exist. Please pray that the Lord continues to reveal His great love to me. Thank you.

The Sun Is Shining.

I woke up every morning this week, which has been a nice change in comparison to waking up at noon like I've done since I've been back from camp. I wake up to the grapefruit-colored sun smiling, sleepily at me through my window. This morning I woke up. And he was shining for me. I knew it because I could feel it when I was still dreaming. I woke up singing a song, which only happens on really good days.

Last night, I recorded my audition tape and I'm going to mail it out today. I am so excited to find out when I leave for Basic. The Waiting Place doesn't seem so dreadful today. I plan on doing some Zumba, going for a run, sewing some drapes, and altering a vintage (circa 1960s) red gown. I wore it to my senior prom and tomorrow I'm wearing it to Abbie's first prom. We're going to Tulsa's 8th annual Goth Prom at the Marquee. Since she was homeschooled, she never went to a real prom. So tomorrow is her day. I am so excited!

We're going to get dressed up in black lace gloves, too much black eye liner, diamond dog dresses, and massive hair. When I say I'm altering my dress, I really mean I'm going to destroy it, then reconstruct it. But it's going to be super vixen-esque. I cannot wait. I've been awaiting an opportunity to make a public appearance looking like I belong in The Moulin Rouge since the age of ten. Burlesque is just an interesting style to me and I'm rolling up my sleeves to get dirty with it. In a wholesome, clean fun sort of way. heh heh. I guess this means I should probably shave my legs and dust off the high heels...

The stunning burlesque star, Dita Von Teese, is my inspiration for tomorrow's attire.

Anyway, it's going to be great fun and I cannot hide my excitement. Michael, my super cool brother, is coming into town this weekend! He's coming in from Pensacola, where he is currently stationed. It's going to be so much fun hanging out with him and Abbie. She and I have been able to spend a lot of time together these last few months and it's been so great. She really is wonderful having in my life.

Have fun this weekend. Stay out of trouble. Fall in love. And wake up early so you can sing to the grapefruit sun as he shines through your window to kiss your sleepy eyes.

The Waiting Place.

Women are hyper-sensitive creatures. I am a woman. I try really hard to maintain my level-headedness, but sometimes it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. My biggest struggle as of late is letting God be in complete control of my emotions and my future. It's not always easy. For instance, I've had a persistent eye twitch (so cliche, right?) since the day I officially decided to join the Air Force. It's because I am so terrified about what's coming, but I'm not allowing myself to be scared because I know anxiety will do nothing for me. God will always be in control and I just need to get over myself.

I can not live in constant fear of what the Air Force is going to do to me. It's not like I'm selling my soul to the government... I mean, I'm not going into the Marines. I jest, I jest. ( I live with Marines. I can make jokes.) I guess the biggest fear I have is becoming that aunt that never got married or had kids because she joined the military. I don't personally have an aunt like that, but I know there are women (who became aunts) whose life is their job. I've never been that kind of person, but there's a piece of me that is afraid that I'm too much like Liz Lemon. And that I'm going to die very lonely, very bitter and very rich.

I don't know why I'm so worried about it though because the Lord has given me the desire for companionship for a reason, so I don't know why He would leave me hanging just to stew in my own misery (which makes me wonder why I feel so miserable about it sometimes). But it's not about my want or my timing. It's about my needs and His timing. Because it's perfect. He exists outside of time, so why would He get it wrong, ya know? I am constantly caught in this internal conflict where I know that He's not leaving me out to dry, but I feel like I'm stuck in The Waiting Place. I'm not sure if you're familiar with The Waiting Place, but it's this wretched place that first came to existence in the imagination of Dr. Seuss. In "Oh! The Places You'll Go!" it addresses my predicament in the following excerpt:

"The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,

 or a plane to go or the mail to come, 

or the rain to go or the phone to ring, 

or the snow to snow 

or waiting around for a Yes or No 

or waiting for their hair to grow. 

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite 

or waiting for wind to fly a kite 

or waiting around for Friday night 

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake 

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants 

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. 

Everyone is just waiting."

I always think of this place when I think about being in Owasso. I know there's a reason God is having me wait, but I still haven't quite figured out why yet. I wish I knew. But I trust that He knows what He's doing. Dr. Seuss also addressed the part of my life that is to come because the book goes on to say:

"No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. 

You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! 

Ready for anything under the sky. 

Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!"

All these Dr. Seuss quotes to say, there is a reason for the madness. I just don't know what it is yet. But I'm learning to deal with the blindness. Pray for me.

 Thank you and good day.

Oh, The Places I'll Go!

Wind chimes.

The suburbs are quite beautiful this time of year. I am so thankful to be living in Owasso in this season of my life. I am, however, on the verge of yet another lifestyle change. I never thought I would love change as much as I do now. But I never stop growing when I am constantly under pressure to learn and adapt to another way of living. It's really pushing me to not resist growth as a person.
      My dad was on the phone with my uncle earlier and mentioned that he is turning 49 in a few weeks and, in our conversation, he brought up the fact that my sister, Lauren, is going to be 26 in a few months. It hit me really hard that this is life. That every single day is one day closer to the end of life as it currently exists. I know that probably sounds really pessimistic, but I don't mean it in a negative way. It's just that life is kaleidoscopic. The patterns are always changing, but the same basic colors combine and transform into something more beautiful that what was there before. I am so thankful for this beautiful life that I've been given. I don't know how anyone could live without the Hope that is so amply given to us through Jesus Christ. I thank God that I'm alive. To feel the cool kiss of autumn in the breeze, to experience true joy, and to hear the spontaneous, always changing melody of the wind chimes in the suburbs.
     I am almost ready to move into another stage of life, but I know that first must come appreciation for what I have right now. And I can feel it welling up inside me. The truth that I once doubted is now my reality. I know that God will provide where ever He leads me, so I know I'll never be alone. Isn't that wonderful?