A Summer Without Men

I got this book last summer at Borders in Maryland when it was going out of business. I read half of the first chapter and haven't picked it up since. I think now, more than ever, is the right time to journey though this story. Honestly, I'm a little scared. To acknowledge my life without men is to, in my weak mind and to my weaker heart, to subside my conquest in love. I know this is not the case, but I feel it. And rationale never settles well with feelings, like oil and water. Try as I may, they exist as two separate parts.
I fear putting myself first for once, then not being capable of returning to self-less love. I fear narrowing down my playing field by becoming the successful, driven woman I want to be. I fear not finding a man that likes alone time as much as I do. I fear dying alone, being pitied by my fulfilled siblings.
But for every fear, I know there is a rebuttal. For my first fear, my heart will never stop loving, even if I'm not with a man. I know this full well, as I love my family in that exact manner. For my second, the only men that are intimidated by a successful woman are the kind that couldn't make me happy due to their insecurity.
For my third, just as I exist loving passing quiet, meditative hours alone, I'm sure someone of a similar demeanor can share in my appreciation if he likes to read as much as he should. And for my last fear, I realize that my siblings will be stunted economically and educationally because they married young. I have surpassed them already in my accomplishments. If my ultimate priorities lie in furthering myself and having plenty to share with others, I will be fulfilled.
I know I have little to worry about realistically, but that does not ease my mind. For I need worries to occupy my mind here so I don't lose it in this formidably miserable place. I need this: to find sanctuary; to come to terms with my losses; and to move forward. Here's to a summer without men!

Hot Tea and Warm Vocal Cords

I'm embracing my current singleness as a time of emotional cleansing, as well as an opportunity to nurture my talents, that have been neglected for years now. I want to audition for Tops In Blue this fall. Top in Blue is the AF's equivalent to Broadway. It's always been a dream of mine to do stage and vocal performance for a period of time, and I feel like this is the perfect opportunity. I'm single, I don't have any children, and I have no emotional ties to anyone to hold me back from chasing my dreams. I met a Staff Sergeant today that encouraged me to audition for it, so I'm working on getting my voice back in shape. He also encouraged me to do Cannon Idol, Cannon's annual little vocal performance competition.

I'm quitting smoking completely and starting my training now. I'm also going to get together and practice with my friend Jette that did TIB in 2010. There has never been a better time in my life to travel, chase my dreams and do everything I can to make them come true. So I'm setting off on my pursuit to get out of New Mexico and on to bigger and better things.

I also volunteered for a short tour in Korea! Job listings go up tomorrow so, if the Lord wills it (and they need a three-level Broadcaster out there), I could get orders to South Korea! It would be an 18 month tour, and I would get my base of preference afterward! If that happens, I want to go to Guam and live out in the tropics for a bit.

The possibilities are truly endless though. I could go anywhere that has an AFN station (anywhere overseas) or a Public Affairs office (anywhere in the world). I just want to be proactive in getting the hell out of New Mexico. Nothing against AFSOC whatsoever, but this location is completely shitty. People here nicknamed it New Mexistan because the terrain is nearly identical, save for a few measly trees here and there.
As you might know if you're reading my blog, I love trees passionately, and just the outdoors in general. So to be here for my first duty station, it's been quite disappointing at how ugly and isolated this place is from everything that I cherish: art, culture, museums, a good music scene, metropolises and good shopping. This town is lacking all the above; Korea has an abundance of it. I'm ready to find a city where I feel like I belong. I'm ready to relocate again.
I've been living like a gypsy for the last four years now. Moving back and forth from college and Camp War Eagle, then back home, then with Teri, BMT, Tech school, and now here I am. I'm not comfortable establishing roots in this lifestyle, so I'm ready to go somewhere else now. Lord, deliver me from this desert.

Oh! Life and the Joys you bring us

My heart is so full. I'm rediscovering beauty in everything from silent brokenness to quiet to blaring inspiration. I'm word-smithing and creating on a daily basis, and I feel raw from opening my heart everyday. But I'm more alive and myself than I've been since I spent my summer barefoot and covered in silt-water in the pottery room.
My goal for giving up dating is to establish myself as the kind, nurturing woman I am with everyone. I want to be able to take care of my sweet friends without the complications of being in a relationship. I want to be the friend for crafternoons coffee, and good company.
I want to be the untouchable that I used to be. When I kept my standards high, I didn't waste my heart on the undeserving. I'm going back to that because I know I deserve better than what I've been wasting my time and heart on for the last four years. And I'm exhausted! So no more Dead End relationships for Kristen Erin.

Pros and Cons

My career, my future happiness and my entire life have been up in the air for the last four months. And I've decided that, although I'm a giving, selfless person, I cannot sacrifice joy, art, education, and my career for John.

So just as the day came that I joined the Air Force and the day I decided not to return to OSU, today I've decided that I'm going to take the steps to cut myself free. I'm going to sever the tie that is holding me back from being myself.

Broke as a Joke (but Happy as a Clam)

Life has been a nonsensical blur of dumb busyness and stupid fun. I'm really getting more freedom in my job now, and it feels great. I shot (video) at Cannon's bombing range all day today with my two favorite people in the office. Photographers are seriously so much more chill than videographers. I liked all of today outside of the office.

I only have two classes left in my public speaking course, which dumbfounds me that the last time I blogged was almost two months ago exactly. I'm working on my last really important speech in this class, which is due tomorrow night(!).

Johnny and I are gettin serious about our bad habit of eating out when we should save our money. I met with a financial advisor last week about my hypothetical "600 calorie/day diet" that I put myself on financially. I have no wiggle room, but the pay-off is how rapidly my debts are decreasing! I've paid off 62% of my OSU debt in just two paychecks and my tax return. It felt nearly impossible at first. But I remembered that I just have to use all the resources I have and get serious about not wasting money on eating out all the time.

God honored my diligence to get my ducks in a row last week when Tonya Jones from OSU decided that, since I was making such an effort to get my debt paid off, that I didn't need to pay the $1,400.00 worth of late fees that I've accrued over the last two years of non-payment. When she did that, that's when I realized why God moved me to Cannon instead of the original orders I had to Japan. I never would have gotten serious about paying all these things off if I hadn't been in the same time zone or country. And I wouldn't have met Johnny, who has totally inspired me to be fiscally responsible.
He's made me realize that I don't want to go into a marriage with financial baggage. I don't want us to have money problems from the get-go. He doesn't deserve that in the least bit.

I never thought I'd see a silverlining to being in New Mexico, or even growing up broke. But now I know the purpose of me going through the Valley, and how useful it is to know how to go without all the cushy things most Americans "couldn't live without". Thank you, God, for the silent answer to the questions I always asked growing up, like "Why don't we ever have money?" lol. Now I know why.

Lovely Day, Beauty Everywhere

I miss being overwhelmed by the beauty of people, nature, life and God. Some smells remind me of it. Sometimes the stars are so bright and the sky so clear that I feel the overwhelming joy of beauty flood my body.
But I miss feeling it everyday. I don't know why I thought joining the military would be a good idea for a free spirit like me. Uniforms suck. This base is fugly. Higher ups don't do their job and don't give us a budget but expect us to get our job done without two dimes to rub together.
Politics are a wreck right now and I don't have a choice to stay uninformed by the stupidity because it's my job to know what's going on.
And on top of all that nonsense, I'm pretty positive there's a seriously black mold problem in my building. I've been consistently I'll since I got here at the end of October. Oh Lord, deliver me from this mess that I'm in.

2011: Year of Growth. 2012: Year of Reform.

My word for the year 2011 was "Growth", and grow I did. My life has changed so much since last year and, when I stopped to think about it, I'm blown away. But, as I look into the vast unknown that is known as "My Future", I don't know what it holds, but I know what I hope for. And, little by little, I'm going to meet my goals.

I just woke up from a dream a bit ago that I went back to college. Teri's coming to visit me and she's driving out tomorrow. In my dream, I called her and told her that she only had to drive to Talequah because I was moving to NSU. I was riding with my
mom and we were admiring how lovely the campus was. I would never happily go there, but in my dream it was awesome that I was so close to Teri Beri.

I'll be starting my first college class since I left Stillwater (in May of 2010)
on January 17th, which is two weeks from today! It's so depressing to me when I think that I could be graduating with a degree this May if I had just stuck to it. And what's more depressing is thinking that I haven't been in a college classroom for a year and a half! I went to tech school and BMT, which was six months of intense studying so I'm not out of practice.

It's kind of funny actually because tech school made me crave education, which is why I jumped on the chance to take a class as soon as possible. I only need four more general education classes and a few technical elective hours before I'm done with my CCAF (Community College of the Air Force) degree in Public Affairs.

It's ironic that, while I was at OSU, I desperately wanted a career and now that I have one, I desperately want an education. The grass is always gonna be greener, huh? Having a degree doesn't necessarily make you more respected in the military, but it does help you rank up faster... So I guess it does set you apart. I don't know if I want to commission and I don't know if I want to stay in the Air Force. But right now, I know that I want to prove to myself that I have what it takes to get a bachelors and maybe a masters.

I want to get a degree, move to a big city, and become a radio DJ. I love music, sharing trivial information, and using my radio voice. I know I would absolutely love having that job, AND going out on location to meet people! I suppose I could do that without a degree, but I want to be smarter before I go on the air. Call me vain, but I want to represent myself as best as possible.

No matter what I do or where I go, I want to end up somewhere beautiful, warm and sunny, busy, smart and cultured... and where I can shine and exceed everyone's expectations of me. Myself included. Although 2011 was the year of Growth, 2012 is the year of Reform in which my focus is on coming up with a plan that I can stick to in order to achieve my educational, financial, and personal goals.