Gnomes.

When I start getting sleepy, my dreams from the night before easily come back to my memory. Anything slightly related can trigger the memory. Just now I was looking at a picture of my ghetto cousin and the caption said something about "trippin shrooms like a gnome". I suddenly remembered my crazy dream from last night. I don't remember the whole story line but what I do remember was insane. I was at a resort for some weekend retreat, and the we all had to drop our bags off at the beach houses we were staying in, get dressed up, and go to the opening night banquet. There was something really strange about this location though, and a few of the people that I was staying with went out to explore. There was a little courtyard behind our house, an open field, and a tree line beyond that. Our courtyard had a pool and a huge flowerbed.
My friends that went exploring went out to the courtyard. We heard them calling for us from upstairs where we were getting ready for the banquet. We went downstairs and we met them at the back door and they were holding lawn gnome statues. They were telling us about the weird remote pond where they found the gnomes, when all of a sudden we realized that the gnome statues they were surrounded by came to life and started creeping towards them! We tried to stay calm so as to not scare our friends or the gnomes. That was, until the statues they were holding also came to life and started squirming for their freedom. We tried to speak quietly to our friends and the gnomes to understand how it was that they were alive and why they had followed our friends home.
They explained to us that we had to hurry up and follow them, which left us no time to pack. They needed our assistance on a magical journey, and we had to go with them. So we followed them along to a grassy knoll, where they immediately went to work creating a fairy ring of magic mushrooms, which was the portal to their magic city. By stepping into this portal though, we were submitting to gnome laws and would, consequently, never be able to return to our lives. The two people that had discovered the gnomes went before me, but I was so afraid. I was afraid of never seeing my family again. I was afraid that I'd never be happy. I was afraid my life would never be the same. And in the moment before I had to tell them that I couldn't be their hero, I forced myself to wake up.
And that was the end of my dream. I don't know why I dreamt about gnomes. Honestly. I have no explanation whatsoever. But I can explain one thing. My fear. I am afraid of being the only person that stands up for what is right. I am afraid that, once I go into the Air Force, I will never see all of my family under one roof ever again. I am afraid that I will never be happy and be stuck in a job that forces me to be alone for the rest of my life. Fear is the only true human emotion that we feel. It triggers the "fight or flight" response in the endocrine system, which is our body's way of preparing us for what is to come. Even though it was just a bunch of gnomes asking me to save their magical race from evil, I couldn't do it. Because I was afraid. I hope I never back down from an adventure again. In a dream or in real life.

Jah Love,
Kristen

Bye Bye Birdie

Things have been mildly entertaining in my life as of late. And by mild, I really mean bland... like Russian food bland. Somehow Russian food still manages to be toxic to my body. It's really great how irony occurs organically. I woke up this morning and watched "Bye Bye, Birdie" and it really made me want to live in the 60s, and name my first two girls Roslyn and Maudlin (Rosie and Maud for short).

My favorite dance move from the whole musical.

I also watched My Fair Wedding with David Tuttera and I cried harder than I've ever cried during any ceremony, wedding show, or movie since The Passion. It was the most beautiful and heartfelt exchange of vows I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I wrote down my favorite vow that the bride, Brooke, wrote. She said "I can't believe I'm marrying by best friend! You're my heart and my life. It's always been you. I love you." Even writing those words again now really locks me into how valuable it is to hear that, for someone to say that and mean it. I don't know that I'll ever hear those words spoken to me, but I hope I do one of these days. Jesus placed the desire in my heart to love someone and raise a family. It is simply a matter of waiting for His timing. It's not easy when I see genuine, beautiful, inspiring love that is not mine for the taking. But it's not about me. It never was, and I forget that a lot because I'm the only one that lives in my head (a blessing and a curse). Not to mention the fact that I'm not ready for anything like that right now. It's foolish and unfair to my heart to entertain the idea of love and romance when I am not ready for that.

Once I'm busy in the Air Force, it will be so much easier for me to keep my mind on my real life and less on the non-existent romance. I went to Wal-Mart today and the fake engagement ring seems to be working as a magnet for unattractive and single or older, married men. Like a charm. I seriously just need to start grocery shopping on Monday afternoons because there were no attractive young men there. Besides, who wants to fall in love in Wal-Mart? I thought it was all about doing so in a coffee shop. Thanks a lot, Landon Pigg. Now all of us who don't have a local coffee shop will never find true love. ( You are rather gorgey though, so if you ever stop by O-town, you're more than welcome to come over for a cuppa java at my place.)

Ads...

Can I go on a tangent right now? Yes, I can because it's my blog. I was just on Facebook and, I kid you not, three out of the four ads on the right hand side were for weddings. And the fourth one was an ad for 7-11 donuts. Freakin jerks. I am currently not eating any wheat products and it's really difficult. That's pretty much all I ever eat, aside from the occasional clementine orange or apple. I did some research today on why my allergies bother me year-round and it suggested a few different reasons, but the main one that came up over and over was Candida overgrowth. Candida is the specific type of yeast that grows in the body and helps digestion and the pH balance of our mucus membranes. But, when there's a persistent overgrowth, it can be toxic to the body. Diets high in sugar, processed foods, and carbohydrates can lead to a Candida overgrowth. And since I practically live off peanut butter toast and beef Ramen, I figure I should probably change it up temporarily and see if I notice any drastic changes in my energy levels. I'm hoping and praying for the best. I'm just ready to have energy and be able to breathe.

I did my best to fast the internet today, and did a rather poor job of that so I'm going to try my hand at self-control again. If I'm going to cut wheat out of my diet for the rest of my life, I'm going to need to practice as much self-control as possible. I'm doing pretty good so far though. Today for lunch, I had a snack type meal. I had cucumber slices with ranch, Hint of Lime Tostitos and salsa, and apple juice. Then for dinner, I had 1 and a 1/2 deviled eggs and spaghetti squash with garlic and onion spaghetti sauce, spicy chicken, and Parmesan cheese. I was so full after dinner. I was truly amazed. When I was walking out of Wal-Mart, I was thinking "I'm never going to be full again," but squash has already proven that to be false. Bravo, squash. Bravo.

Happy Boxing Day.

Binki from Little Joy. I really want to make this dress for myself for spring.

This was, without a doubt, the best Christmas I've ever had. In my entire life. I spent Christmas Eve at my grandpa's house in Tulsa with my cousins and aunt from California, who surprised everyone with their visit. Christmas day, Michael and Abbie came over for lunch and opening presents. We watched Freaks and Geeks and Ghost Adventures, then went to my Mom's house for dinner. My aunt Amy and all the cousins came over for Christmas: Round Three. It was so wonderful spending time with them all and I could not have asked for more... well, maybe if Lauren and Aaron had come down from PA but that just wasn't possible this year. This was my last Christmas home before leaving for the Air Force and it was not bitter, just very sweet. Thanks for being awesome, family .

I've been feeling really lame lately. Like totally bored with living on Facebook and Twitter. I haven't been working with Jack the last two weeks though, which I know is why. I've started staying up into the wee hours of the night, which is throwing everything off. For instance, I woke up at 2 pm today only for the sun to go down three hours later. It's totally messing with my mental health, so I think I'm gonna go to bed in a bit and wake up whenever I can't sleep anymore, even if it's like 5 in the morning. I just need some structure in my life again. I'll start working with Jack again next Tuesday, so only about a week left to go. And this weekend is New Years, so hopefully celebrating this weekend will help me not feel so bummy.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I'm going to work out for the first time in weeks, which I'm really excited about. I miss the endorphins and sweating. I'll probably paint also, which will be nice. I haven't done so in quite a while.
I've only been awake for 8 hours but I cannot seem to stay awake, so I'm gonna crash.

Since this blog was so short you should go to youtube and find Jose Gonzalez's cover of "Heartbeats", originally done by The Knife in like 2008. It's a very beautiful song and will make you sleepy or somber.

Jah Love,
Kristen

Kiss and Tell

Once upon a time, I met a boy named Steve*. He liked me because I read classics, could dance to any kind of music, and used sarcasm as a flirtation tactic. I liked him because he used big words, reminded me of Ron Weasley, and had a good sense of fashion. But he kissed like a hungry trout and I just had to put my foot down. After not letting him kiss me for two weeks (after our first kiss), it had to stop. He got persistent in giving his heart to me, but I had to let it fall to the ground and shatter because if I put my hands out to catch it, I would feel obligated to take care of him. His pain would become my pain, his joy my joy, and I wasn't ready to take care of someone else. I couldn't even manage my own pain at the time, so I couldn't be what he wanted.
We stopped talking when I left for camp my first summer. He sent me a letter with a picture of his face on it, Facebook messages and several texts, but I didn't want him. So I never wrote back. He cared so much about me and he was so open about it. There was no mystery in how he felt, and it drove me away. His impressive words weren't enough to keep me interested, so I had to let him go. He told me he loved me the next fall when I got back from school. But I didn't believe him.
We hung out a lot last winter and kissed again. That time it wasn't so bad, but I still knew how things would end. Again. His heart was the only one at risk, and mine was tucked away safely in a place his words and kisses would never reach. I had grown reserved, irredeemable and there was no real love in my heart or head for him. But I knew he loved me, and I couldn't change it.
He let me borrow a book called "Ten Little Indians". I never made time to read it and I felt guilty because it was his favorite but I didn't care. So we stopped hanging out and talking because he'd read and returned "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" when I let him borrow it. Months after we stopped hanging out, he text me and asked if I had his book and I never answered because I was thinking "I'll read it one of these days, and we'll have something to talk about other than his feelings or what I did wrong." But I still haven't read it, and I don't know that I ever will. But I might, if given a different reason to pick it up.
He was always really fickle about having a Facebook. He would cancel his account for a few months, then activate it again. He was always back and forth on being a part of the social media realm. He was torn between fitting in and wanting to mourn his individualism. So when he was no longer in my list of friends, I didn't take it personally. I figured he was just going through a bout of anti-conformity.
But today I was on Facebook and saw him in my column for suggested friends, only he'd changed his Facebook name to something other than his real name. My guess is he's going through an identity crisis, and needed to go by a different name for a while. It's not the first time it's happened. I went to his profile and saw two quotes. The first one I immediately knew was about the book I never gave back. It reads:

"You’re always giving, my therapist said. You have to learn how to take. Whenever you meet a woman, the first thing you do is lend her your books. You think she’ll have to see you again in order to return them. But what happens is, she doesn't have the time to read them, & she’s afraid if she sees you again you’ll expect her to talk about them, & will want to lend her even more. So she cancels the date. You end up losing a lot of books. You should borrow hers."


-Hal Sirowitz


The second quote reads:


"Let me tell you this; if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."






I couldn't have said it better myself, Steve. At least we're on the same page about some things still.






*Named changed for the protection of individual.

This is Real Love [Novella]

Suitcase of Memories...


So I am currently in the process of gutting my closet, which is a rather large task. You see, when I went to OSU for two years, I worked at Camp War Eagle in Rogers, AR from May until August both summers proceeding the school year. So the two weeks I had before and after the summer included me unpacking my camp stuff, doing laundry and shoving all the extra decorations, mementos, and crafts I made at camp in my closet. So, after doing this two years in a row, I've accumulated a lot of various school and art supplies, clothes, and other random crap that I haven't known what to do with until now.
Years ago, my friend's mum gave me an idea of what to do with all of my little trinkets and toys that have sentimental value. She said, in order to preserve the sweet memories of each little object, take a picture and make a photo album, describing each memory out to the side. So instead of collecting the clutter of all these random objects, you collect little pictures of the memories that you can whip out any time you're feeling sentimental. Fabulous idea, huh? Anywho, I've been wanting to do this for quite sometime, but my digital camera doesn't do justice to my fancy little trinkets. But, now that I have my Diana Mini, each picture will turn out as unique and charming as each little belonging of mine! I'm trying to get rid of as many things as possible so it shan't be difficult for me to pack up and move once it's time for me to settle down somewhere... be it on the other side of America or Earth. I'm hoping to get it down to two suitcases worth of memories, so I can travel lightly. A wardrobe can always be replaced, but memories cannot.

Toilet Talk...


My brother clogged the toilet earlier this evening but did not realize he had done so. Two hours later, as I was sitting at my computer a few metres down the hall from the WC, I heard a sudden rush of water (okay, more like an enthusiastic trickle). So I ran to the bathroom to find that the toilet was overflowing and there was a glacier-sized wad of toilet paper clogging the S-bend. I hollered to my Dad to grab the plunger, asked my step mum to grab some towels, and called Michael to tell him I was about to clean up his poop water and that he owed me another present (namely, the brown knit boots that I pointed out at Target this afternoon, size 6 1/2) because it wasn't a labor of love. He agreed, and I proceeded to clean it. Nadda big deal. However, the water that leaked through the floor down to the laundry room might be... One of the many reasons I'm glad I don't own this house. "Not my chair, not my problem."


This is Real Love... Part Un


As you may recall, Thanksgiving was a joyous holiday for me because I found out that my boyfriend of four weeks (HA) had sex with a nasty girl the weekend before, and she told a few people who cared enough to make sure that I found out the truth. Well, the weekend prior to me finding out about his cheating ways (and literally the day before he cheated on me) was the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. If you've ever seen my left bicep, it would make more sense if I explained 1. how much I love Harry Potter, and 2. that I got my owl tattoo because of that passion. So (hypothetically speaking) if you were my boyfriend, it would be totally obvious to you that taking me to the Harry Potter midnight showing would be an automatic win for you, as well as for our relationship. Well, the dim young man I was dating at the time didn't use his brains to put two and two together. I kept quiet about it until two days later, when he text me, informing me that he was going to see the new HP movie without me. He even had the audacity to ask if I was jealous.
 I wasn't sure how upset I should be, so I text my brother and asked him, in a hypothetical situation, if he would do the same thing and not understand why Abbie would be upset. He assured me that James was simply an ass, and that I had every right to be upset, so I let James have it.
 I was planning on breaking up with him the next evening, but chickened out because I would rather be hurt than make someone else suffer. Well, the motivation I needed to call things off for good came on Thanksgiving night when I found out what happened six days before. He straight up lied to me about it, denying that it ever happened, and insisted that I had a faulty source. When I talked to the girl that it happened with the next morning, I knew that it was time to sever the ties. Doing so put me at a disadvantage though because he and I had plans to finally go see the new Harry Potter movie together that day. But it never happened because I had to get away from that (insert cuss word of choice here). 
                                                                      ...
Michael, my brother, woke me up bright and early this morning at 10:30 am and told me to put on pants because he was taking me somewhere. Where we were going was a surprise but I had to hurry up and get ready to find out what it was. I wasn't sure what he had in mind but I figured it'd be fun no matter what because we (almost) always have a good time together. I got ready, and we headed out and went to breakfast at Waffle House. Surprise! I was kind of expecting food so it met my expectations quite nicely. It was better than the Moose Lodge that he told me we were going to. 
After we ate, we went shopping at Target, and stopped in the new movie section. Michael started talking about his favorites and asked if I'd gone to see the new Harry Potter movie yet, and I answered 'no'. "Are you serious, Kristen? What time is it? We're gonna go catch a matinée. Come on." I was a tad taken aback, but still really grateful. I didn't know he liked me enough to give a crap, honestly. But when we went and saw the movie, and I cried at the end, he patted my leg and told me it was gonna be okay. Afterward, he said he was watching me and waiting to see my reaction at the end. Of course, I cried. I love little Dobby. 
The day James screwed up with the Harry Potter thing I told him "It's the little things that count, James." And almost a month later I'm saying "It's the little things that count, Michael." The smallest acts of kindness can mean the most to people. So thanks for showing me what real love is... in a not-romantic kinda way.

This is Real Love... Part Due


I made the greatest love song playlist of all time yesterday, which I named "This is Real Love" because none of the songs are sad or depressing. Unfortunately I left out a few of the best songs ever because I lost my Stevie Wonder's greatest hits album two years ago. But my playlist is 130 songs long (that's 8.4 hours). Some of these songs were written for moms and some for Jesus, but most of them are for significant others. Seeing how I don't have a significant other anymore, you'd think it makes me sad. But I don't mind it. I prefer not feeling obligated to spend every day of every weekend with just one person. I like being alone and spending time with a bunch of different people, which normally wasn't possible with the douchers that I've dated in the past.
I am so glad to be in a place where I can obligate myself to stay single, and have an outside motive for doing so. I am leaving for Basic in April, and there is no romantic relationship that could stop that from happening. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but there is no point in stressing about it now because there's no chance that it will happen any time soon. It's not that I despise the idea of marriage. In fact, I think it's quite lovely and I know that it is a very holy covenant that is not to be taken lightly. But I know Jesus loves me enough to be waiting all these years to marry me, His Bride. The least I can do is patiently await whoever He decides to bring into my life as my Beloved. God's tangible love shows me over and over that whoever I marry one of these days is worth waiting for. And he'll know how important Harry Potter is to me. And he'll respect it because he'll love it too. (See November's entry "Quality Control Check List" #46)

How Joyful It Will Be!

(Originally written last night, Sunday December 19th, 2010 approximately 11 pm)

Today has been an average day in the life of. I woke up really late ( 12:30 pm), made coffee and peanut butter toast, made t-shirt yarn, crocheted and watched My Best Friend's Wedding. This is the second day in a row that a Julia Roberts movie has been on when I wake up. It must be Julia weekend on WE or something. I'm diggin it though.
Tomorrow is Monday, which means I'll have the house all to myself all day. So it should be a good Monday. I'm seriously behind on Christmas present-making. And I'm out of yarn, so I can't just crochet mittens for everyone. I'm kinda bummed about that, but I think I'll pull through and figure something equally (if not more) awesome for presents. I've been working on some really sweet things the past few days, but I'm not sure who I want to give them to. I'm a really bad gift giver, which makes me sad. I either go overboard, or I don't do it at all. It's never a reflection of how much I love people. I just suck at it. I'm hoping to get better at it though. This year, I will redeem myself for every missed birthday and crap Christmas present I've ever given! And I'm going to do it without spending a penny! I already have so many supplies that I can come up with something really great for everyone.

A few minutes later...


So I sketched out a bunch of ideas that I had in mind for Christmas presents and also looked at Elsie's 12 Days of DIY for more inspiration. I've got a very full week of Christmas present-making ahead of me. I am so excited about making all of these things and giving them away to people that I love! I think it's so much more special when someone makes something for you because it means they were thinking about you the whole time they were laboring over their love-made present. I have a ton of great ideas and I want to take a picture of my sketches and upload it, but I won't be able to do so without you knowing what is for who! And, if you happen to be one of the people these presents are for, I don't want to ruin the surprise for you!
But I can assure all of you that Christmas is going to be the craftiest holiday I've ever had in my life. I'm making tons of accessories, some household items, and a few interior decor items.

All Things are Beautiful.

Today has been a pretty freaking good day. I found out that I am still insured by my mom's insurance, which means that I can go to the doctor if I need to! I ate lunch with my brothers today, which was nice because I haven't hung out with them in forever. Aaron and Michael are a freakin comedy duo, so it was a pleasure to hang out with them. The last time we hung out was sometime before February, when Mikey left for Boot Camp.

Me and Princess Di

Camera                                  
I finally got film for my Diana Mini today! I haven't played with it much because I had some technical difficulties loading the film, so I'm kinda put out with her right now. But tomorrow afternoon, Teri Beri and I are having a photo shoot featuring some of my newest creations (http://www.etsy.com/shop/KEDarce). I'm working on some pieces for the spring, which is what I'll be wearing, so it'll probably be a pretty chilly photo shoot... which means two things mainly. 1. I will not be shaving my legs, and 2. we will be drinking warm beverages. I'm really excited because I like both of those things. I decided to do "Don't Shave December" because "No Shave November" was such a hit with the ladfolk (i.e. not at all, but that's the point).  Anytime Teri and I hang out, we have a ton of fun so I know it'll be a really good time.
 I've never played with a 35mm camera before, so it's cool to just snap a bunch of different shots. I love the fact that working with analogue film is the exact opposite of instant gratification, which is something I've grown so accustomed to with my snazzy Nikon Digital camera. It's good experience to get comfortable with film though because it will be my life for the next year, at the least. I studied film when I went to Tulsa tech a few years back, but it's been a while. I'm not as well-versed in analogue camera lingo as I once was, but it's okay. I'll get back into the groove once I go back to tech school for photography.
Nostalgia                                
My mom refuses to use her digital camera and always carries around a yellow and black, brick-sized, Kodak disposable camera. It used to embarrass me when I was younger because she would always whip out her camera and insist on a group photo of whoever was around. But now I'm going to start doing that with my Diana because we really aren't promised tomorrow. I want to be able to remember every little trip and visit of these crazy, ever-changing times in my life. The pictures that my mom has of us as a family will be around for a really long time. It's one thing to browse through someone's Facebook pictures, but it's a whole different world of romance looking at old photos of my parents when they were in grade school. Seeing pictures of them sitting in their classic Ford before leaving for church, or when they were losing all their baby teeth. Those everyday changes that we go through in life are what I want to document, because it's the day-to-day things we do that speak volumes of who we really are.
All changes seem subtle, but when looked at in a five minute slideshow at the ending celebration of your life, the personal growth and changes embodied in your aging won't seem so snail-paced. It's all about the little things that may seem simple and not worth taking pictures of at the time. But, when my children are my age and I pull out photo albums of me at age twenty, I want them to look at them and be like "Wow, Mom. You were hot at twenty." "Damn straight, children. I was smokin'... and still am." That's what I'm gonna say.
Air Force Bidness                      
I went on Wednesday for my monthly weigh/check-in at my recruiter's office in Tulsa. He asked me if I would be interested in going to the Air Force Academy, and I was like "Uh, sure". It was not the most reassuring answer I've ever given, but I made it clear that I was interested last night at the AF DEP  family potluck. I asked for more information about it and he said he'd send it to me. He introduced me to his boss, who booked my job for Broadcast. He told me he was really excited for me and asked "Do you realize how much of a golden nugget your job is?" and I honestly answered no. He enthusiastically informed me that it was, indeed, a very special job and that he really hopes that I go on to the Air Force Academy because it would put me that much further ahead in my job field. After talking with them briefly about the application process for the Academy, discussing my GPA situation, and age appeals, I am convinced that I can get it, with a little ambition and a lot of persistence. At the end of our conversation, we made a deal that I would get an emblem printed on canvas for him and all of the recruiters under him in exchange for the hook up and more information on getting into the academy. I'm that good, ladies and gents. We shook on it and everything.

Michael told me that if I do that, once I finish my degree, I'll become an officer. And, at the end of my six years, I'll most likely be a Captain which is really nice, salary-wise. So really all I need to find now is a trophy husband that would like to join me on this crazy adventure that I'm about to go on. I'm going to be in Maryland for approximately one year for tech school, (if I get into the academy) about two years in Colorado Springs, CO, and then God knows where after that. I know if I were a dude I'd be like "I think I'll pass and wait til you settle down," but here's the thing, boys. I don't know when that will happen, if ever. I really want to do short-term missions somewhere if/when I get out of the Air Force, maybe in Kenya. I've got some connections with an orphanage down there, which would be so wonderful to be a part of. So if you're not man enough, that's fine. It's no one's loss really.

Art, Love, and Jesus                     
I am really thrilled about all the wonderful things that the Lord has enabled me to do. I skyped with one of my best friends tonight and it was so wonderful to see her beautiful face. I was telling her about all the fun things I get to make for my little store. It's so encouraging to talk to someone who believes in you and tell you that. It seems every time Brooke and I talk, she and I discuss precisely what the Lord has been telling me in my quiet time. She's the mouthpiece of my conscience. I love her, and there's really nothing else to say about it. And I'm not saying that I love her casually because I am so tired of that word being thrown around. I realized I've made a bad habit of it, and I'm trying to change that. Because God is love, and I would never throw around the name of Jesus on a daily basis. When I tell Jesus that I love Him, I mean it from my heart. But when I say I love a jacket I saw online, I don't. I want that word to become as sacred to me as the name of Jesus, because they are, after all, synonymous for each other.

Plans                                    
When I woke up this morning, my plans for New Years Eve were not on my mind. But after adding a mutual friend of mine and Brooke's on Facebook and chatting about the Harp and Lyre show that's going down, that all changed. I am now going to Oklahoma City for that night and I am super duper thrilled about it. I get to see Brooke and meet her fly friend Samantha, the Harp and Lyre boys and maybe Jackie Porter, my all-time favorite Jackie. I cannot put words to just how excited I am. The best part about it was that I threw the idea out to Brooke about road tripping to Oklahoma City that night instead of coming here to Owasso for a sleepover, and she immediately called me to inform me that she and Samantha were already planning on doing just that, and that the invitation was officially extended to me. Needless to say, I had to breathe with my head between my knees, lay on the ground for a bit, dance it out, then make a celebratory cup of coffee. I've never been more excited in my life for New Years.
Last year for New Years, I went to a Phi Tau house party. I was stranded in Stillwater, working all last Christmas break at Hideaway. This year the holidays are already much more enjoyable because 1. I didn't have finals, and 2. I'm not alone in a ten story building. I am so shocked that I wasn't more afraid for my life. I easily could have been raped and murdered in the shower, and no one would have ever heard me scream. Praise the Lord that's over.

Ending Thoughts                          
I am so thrilled about everything that God is doing in my life, and I love how He loves me. And I mean that. I am so so so blessed to have this time of solitude to re-evaluate my priorities, and pour myself into refining my talents and work ethic for His glory. He's given me this time to know Him better on a one-on-one level, and consequently find my own identity through this growth process. The first few months of this fall were murder on my little heart because there were so many unknowns and so much waiting without a clear end in sight. But now that has all changed and He's giving me insight into my future, and hope that there is an adventurous life for me to live. It's all part of His plan. I always knew I was meant for more, and He's proving that to be true in His timing.


"All things are beautiful in His timing."
Ecclesiastes 3:11


El Fin

Alone, but Not Lonely

Today has been quite a full day for a day off. I woke up, baked cinnamon rolls and watched Weekend at Bernie's, which is the best way to start any Thursday (in case you were wondering). I finished my first skirt for the spring! I also made some Christmas presents, but I can't say what they are, otherwise that would ruin the surprise. I also baked two dozen Devil's Food cupcakes for an Air Force DEP Holiday potluck. I'm becoming quite the box mix baker. You can't screw up the recipe when all it calls for is eggs, water, and oil... well, I suppose someone might be able to mess it up, but not this gyal!

Here is a picture of my finished skirt. Yay!

I've been so domestic today, and it's a really good feeling. The thing that is really driving me crazy right now is that my room is a horrible reflection of me. I spend more time here than I do anywhere else in this world, and will continue to do so for the remaining cold months. So I am desperately feeling the need to "nest" as Lo Lo, my sister, says. So I've been trying to think of ideas to incorporate my silly craftiness and the warmth and comfort my room seriously lacks. People normally comment that my room feels like me, but I want it to be more comfortable for company. I'm alone all the time, and my room definitely has an unaccommodating feel to it, which I hate. But what do you do? I'm not going to invest in furniture when I'm getting ready to peace out. So this means I have to get really creative. Making a bunch of throw pillows wouldn't be difficult, so that's one thing I could do... I'll figure it out.
I saw a wonderful video on youtube today, posted on Facebook by Post Secret, who I am very grateful to for sharing. It's a poem by a woman named Tanya Davis. It's called "How to Be Alone", and it's very sweet. It's so very consoling to see that it's more than okay to be happy alone. And that it is possible if you love yourself and learn to find what you need from others, just in unconventional ways. It's also a reminder that even though I feel alone, I'm really not. Jesus hears me when I talk to him and He actually cares to listen. Isn't that so kind? Even if I loved someone a lot, I wouldn't care to know everything they think or to listen to them constantly. I would get tired of it. But He doesn't... I guess that's why He's God and I am not. I even get tired of hearing myself, so I'm surprised He hasn't told me to shut up once or twice.

Towanda!

I went to my sweet friend Towanda Mason's funeral today. She was ninety-two and a half. She lived such an incredible life and to know her truly was to know Jesus. She was my mother's first friend here in Oklahoma when we moved from California in 1993. She grew up in California also, so she and my mum clicked immediately. When we moved to Owasso in 2004 and started going to Owasso First Assembly again, all of us kids were older so we formed friendships of our own with her. We would go visit with her for hours and she would tell us wonderful stories of her life; stories about her husband Dan and how they eloped to Las Vegas. She'd tell us stories about how faithful God was to her family growing up, from her being born dead and coming back to life, to how he'd provided for them when they had nothing. She told us how her son, grandchildren, and great grand children had all come to know the Lord. It is amazing to me that she lived such a wonderful, full life. I want to be just like her, and seeing how passion she was for Jesus and family showed me how to do just that.
Although is it never pleasant to go to a funeral, it was so incredible to celebrate her life with people that knew her best. They played a slideshow of pictures documenting her entire life, and she was wearing a gorgeous, simple dress in the majority of the pictures. It inspired me to do a few vintage-style dresses for my spring line. I'm going to dedicate these designs to my wonderful friend, Towanda Julia Mason. She always gave me jewelry or an outfit for Christmas, and this is the best way I can think to honor such a wonderful, beautiful, God-fearing woman.
As I was sitting there looking at the pictures of her, a stunning young thing, I realized she was the perfect example of what it meant to be a beautiful woman of God, inside and out. Her death was not a loss for her, but a gain. "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8) I am so thankful that God gave her to this earth to brighten with her real joy.
I have never been so convinced in my life that God cares about me. He knows where I am, and I matter to Him. I am so grateful that he is has done everything he needed to in order to get me back in His love. I have had such a hard time recently understanding the purpose of love, and the reason why God allows us to care about someone, only to be hurt by them or lose them due to circumstances beyond our control. But I understand  now a little better than I did before. A father disciplines and rewards his child because he loves them and wants them to understand the consequences of right and wrong. In the same manner, our Abba takes us through "the valley of the shadow of death" so that we draw near to Him for comfort.
  I am at the point where I acknowledge my insignificance. I know I am so small and seemingly meaningless in this universe. But in the presence of Jesus Christ, that doesn't matter. Just like Horton the elephant heard the cries of the Whos on that tiny speck of dust, so Jesus does when I cry out to Him in my time of despair. Because he loves me. Why? I'll never truly understand, but it doesn't change the facts.
Just because I've never personally seen every continent or country in the world, it does not change the fact that they are real. I have faith that they exist because I have seen pictures, heard stories, and known people that came from those other lands. It would be irrational for me to say those places and people don't exist simply because I've never seen them with my own eyes. It is the same for my faith in Jesus Christ. I have never seen Him, but I have read the Word of God, heard incredible stories of healing and divine occurrences, and I've seen His love embodied by people like Towanda Mason. It would be nonsensical for me to say He does not exist when I've seen how radically, unconditionally, and powerfully His love has proven itself to be through the lives of others around me. Towanda Mason is one of the reasons why I do not doubt that the love of God is real and attainable. I truly hope you know Him like this, because nothing else matters anymore. Sure there are things that I want to be in control of, but I own nothing anyway. All that I have is not my own, body and life included. He's just loaning it to me while I'm here.

Jah Love, K

Frankie Muniz: Douchey Douchebag

 I should just be sleeping, but instead I'll just write about the dream I had about Frankie Muniz this morning...

So me and two of my girlfriends went to the Jenks Riverwalk for some huge festival they were having. There was a part on the shore where you could drive bumper boats down the river, then follow the course back upstream. My girls and I decided to do it, and when we got back to the shore, Frankie Muniz and his dad were sitting on the side of the river where we were getting out of the water. We made eye contact and I was like "Omg, it's freaking Malcom in the Middle." So we smiled and approached him. He was really nice so I stayed to talk while the girls talked about going to do something else. He invited us to go eat with him and his dad at a little restaurant they had set up in a tent at this festival. The girls declined, but I was like "Heck yeah!". When we got inside the tent, I saw a group of my friends from church. We all waved and smiled, but I was thinking " I don't want to wander off right now, and leave this cool opportunity!" so I left it at distant, wordless salutations.
So throughout this spontaneous lunch together, Frankie, his father and myself make friendly conversation. I told them all about the Air Force, where I'm from and what I'm doing between now and April, when I leave for Basic. When I started talking about going into the Air Force, Frankie started getting all grumpy and tried changing the subject, but his dad was interested so we kept talking about it. Frankie got mad and said he had to go to the bathroom. He left and came back a few minutes later, talking on his phone. When he got back, he told me "It's was really nice to meet you, but I'm really not interested in you, okay? I think you're an airhead, and I don't really have time for this," and stormed off. I was totally taken aback because 1. I didn't know it was a date, 2. I was not aware that  I had put myself out there to get rejected so kindly to my face, and 3. he freaking called me an airhead. I haven't heard that since like 4th grade, when the candy was really popular.
So Frankie the diva stormed off,leaving his Dad and I at the table alone to finish our awkward, ruined lunch together. He apologized profusely, and tried to defend Frankie's misbehavior but I was like "Your son literally does not know me. How can he feel he has the right to insult me like that to my face when we just met?"
  So Daddy Muniz talked me down and I let him pay for lunch. I opened my wallet to grab some change to leave as a tip, and all I had was a 5 and a 20 pound bill. I was never in Jenks. I was never in America. Did I even meet Frankie Muniz?

... The answer is obviously no because it was a dream. But, as I was googling images a bit ago to find his face, I felt my pimp hand twitching. Because I wanted to slappaho. But I think I can forgive him. He never had a normal childhood, so he doesn't stand a chance at being normal. Ever.

El Fin.

A+ Purchase

I went to Stillwater last weekend with my friends Teri and Kacey, and Teri excitedly told me she brought her Fisheye camera. I had no clue why she would be stinking excited, until she explained the beauty of lomography. Lomography is the art of picture-taking using low-quality cameras (produced in the 1950s in Russia and China as novelty items) and roll film. The unpredictability of how each lomograph turns out is precisely what gives it it's charm and makes it so much fun. "Essentially, Lomography embraces the element of surprise that only analogue film photography can bring and wholeheartedly celebrates the outcome." * After doing some research on the best basic equipment, the unpredictable process of each lomograph (essentially, all the things that go wrong with each film frame), shopping around for the best features and price, I decided to purchase my very first lomography camera.

Ladies and gents, meet Diana Mini. I am so excited to get my hands on this little gem! She shoots rectangular half frame or square photos, uses 35 mm film, and has a B setting for longer exposures. I've always loved photography but I've never made it a priority to invest in a high quality camera or editing software. But now I don't have to do either of those things! Each picture turns out completely different and totally unpredictable, so editing isn't even necessary for stylistic effect. I've seen digital cameras with overexposure settings now more than ever, but you cannot digitally recreate the same look that you get with a lomography camera. 

The more I read about it, the more I love it. I cannot wait to share all my wonderful pictures with the world! I'm going to use my Diana to take promo pictures for all of my products to add to the whimsical feel and charm of my accessories, so this is an investment for my photography hobby and for For the Time Being Ltd.! I purchased it on the Urban Outfitters website. It was 20 dollars less it's normal price and shipping was free (this weekend only)! So I saved $30 which also makes really excited.

My research included reading the Ten Golden Rules of Lomography, which I highly suggest reading. The last golden rule is "Don't worry about any rules." I've never been one much for rules. I try to always do what feels right, and this camera feels right for me. 
"Discover your own Lomography, forget about your education, socialisation, indoctrination, knowledge and everything you've learned and not learned about photography. Set free your innermost desires, never stop moving, never stop Lomographing; believe in yourself, focus on the important and not so important things, enjoy life in all its variations, forget about the camera in your hand and shoot 'til your eyes are glowing!"**


I am so excited about this little camera. Thank you, Teri, for introducing me to a whole new world of awesomeness.


xoxo, K




http://www.lomography.com/about/lomographs *


http://www.lomography.com/about/the-ten-golden-rules#1 **

Otamatone

If you have ever cared about me, you'll get this cute, hilarious instrument for me for Christmas.

Meet the Otamatone. (No musical ability required.)

They come in all different colors, but I want a white one.

Think of this as an investment in your future. I promise I will make ten full-length youtube videos of me playing different songs on it (of your choosing) if you get this for me. Seriously, this thing is so freaking hilarious that I don't know why you wouldn't. Please watch this video. You'll understand why I'm so crazy about it if you see it being played.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QylHnFvydP4&feature=player_embedded

http://www.weirdasianews.com/2010/03/12/presenting-otamatone-musical-instrument-sort-sperm/

<3 Kristen

Main Ingredient: Sugar

I want to make this apron. <3

Today was a pretty productive day. I started a blog for FtTB Ltd. last night, but just now when I was trying to decided on what to write on my personal blog, I was drawing blanks... which never happens. But then I remembered that I took Nyquil about 40 minutes ago. And I just ate an Air Head. It tasted exactly like I expected it to. Sugary. And now my tongue is blue.
It may seem sad to you that nothing profound happened in my personal life today, but I don't see that as a negative at all. I am still very excited about my future, both near and far. I'm not promised tomorrow anyway, but if I am around to see it, I know it's going to be a good one. You wanna know why? Because I have people that love me a lot. I know I write a lot about love, my crap romances and other stereotypical blah things that twenty year old girls probably write about. But that's okay with me. I am a girl. I am not trying to be anything different than who I was made to be. So much so that I watched TLC for three hours straight today. (Don't judge.)

I watched Amazing Wedding Cakes, crocheted, dyed fabric, made yarn, and did laundry all afternoon. Good Lord. I am so domestic. But I love watching shows that are dedicated to celebration. I just think it's so awesome to be a part of such wonderful, momentous events in people's lives. One day, I would love to do that for a living because I just think people are so much fun and I think social rituals are quite astounding and beautiful. And I like taking care of people, especially by cooking or baking for them. I don't do it all the time, but that's mainly because I don't exactly have free reign of the kitchen or anyone to take care of except for myself. The kitchen is Nonna's domain and I'm not about to play her at king-of-the-hill for it. I'm not a picky eater either so I'll settle for Beef Ramen on any given night. It's quick, cheap, and doesn't taste half bad. But once I do have my own kitchen, it's going to be superb! And I will cook and have people over to eat my food all the time.
Lo and I have been talking about opening a bakery once I'm out of the Air Force and we already have some super awesome ideas. I'm really excited about it. It makes me want to find cute aprons for us to wear, but I'm not going to jump the gun. I will wait until the time is right. It wouldn't hurt to have a few mini muffin tins or perhaps some lobster claw pot holders though, would it? I'll keep my eyes peeled next time I hit the thrift store kitchen area. I hate spending full price on things when I know I could get them significantly cheaper somewhere else. There are certain things that I do feel you should splurge on. Muffin tins, however, are not one of those things.

"Concha" literally means "shell" in Espanol, which is
what they call Mexican sweet bread, named for the
crowning sugar design.

I would love to try making Mexican custard pastries and sweet bread sometime soon (for the holidays, perhaps). They are my favorite. :) If you have any good baking tips, recipes you think I should try or kitchen rules to live by, please comment and let me know what you think. Any tip is a good tip.

True Love,
K

Ta Da!

I've always been a huge fan of list writing. Always. Something about putting a check mark next to a task signifying completion makes me feel adequate and accomplished. But the daunting thing that has always made me cringe when I make a list is the title itself: the "To Do List". It feels like it reads "Finish This List or Die a Slow, Miserable Death". However, I found a way that helps me focus on that happy feeling I get every time I complete a task.

I call it a "Ta Da List". Not the iPhone app, but rather the mental approach you take toward your goals. Focusing on the positive has seriously motivated me so much that I can hardly believe it actually works. "Ta Da", an onomatopoeia typically stated in the moment of presentation of a surprise by the presenter, brings back that sensation of excitement when I see it writ above the things that I need to accomplish that day. When I check off each completed task, there's a little party that happens in my brain. The dance floor gets rolled out, the DJ starts spinning, and the self-induced celebration begins.

 I hope that you too can focus on the positive next time you need to write a "To Do List" and make it a "Ta Da List". I know that you knowing this warrants you to poke fun of my silly habits, but you do with this bit of information as you please. It works for me, friend. So go on! Give it a try! And when you start doing your first Ta Da List victory dance, think of me. 

Bitter Cold. Bitter Heart.

I am so ready for snow. I just don't want it to be cold outside for no reason anymore. Oklahoma's winter has a bad habit of getting so cold that even the sky gets discouraged from trying to precipitate. The whole state gets dumpy and bitter with cold, and then (typically) there will be a huge ice storm or two when everyone loses their power. The last few winters have been adventurous, to say the least. We had a white Christmas last year, but I didn't have as much fun as I should have. I stayed in Stillwater and worked all but two days over Christmas break of last year. It's weird now that I am doing the exact opposite.
It's crazy for me to think that it's been over a year now that I've been wanting to go into the Air Force. I went back to Stillwater this weekend with my friends Teri and Kacey to visit some of our friends from high school, and also so they could meet some of my OSU friends that I used to hang out with all the time. It was really fun, but served as a great reminder of exactly why I chose to leave Stillwater. I left it to go home, sit in my room, blog and crochet all day. Totally worth it. I really have embraced the whole "starving artist" thing completely. I even eat Ramen and Chinese takeout leftovers when I totally don't have to. It's not like I'm doing it for inspiration. Being broke as a joke is inspiration enough. Nay, I just feel bad eating my parents food. So I stick to the basics: water, coffee, Beef Ramen, and peanut butter toast. It's not the healthiest diet, but I get quite a bit of variety thrown in with living with a Russian cook and whatnot. She makes my favorite vegetable soup or chili for me all the time.
In other news...
I've come to the realization that salvaging a friendship with an ex is just a bad idea when your ex is a d-bag. So, I am officially cut off from the reminder that he didn't think I was worth waiting for. I don't need that ish anymore because I know I deserve so much better.
My Pops and I got to talking about it today. We normally don't talk about my feelings, dreams or aspirations beyond the basics. He expressed concern that I was going to get into another relationship before leaving in April. I heard his concern but I had to give it some time before I could coolly express how strongly I feel about not getting into anything right now. Long distance relationships require a lot of trust. And James proved that he was not trustworthy. I don't like to dwell on the past when it's not a pretty one, but I really need to learn my lesson this time around. No compromise. Even if it means dying alone and being eaten by my family of cats. I just cannot and will not sacrifice any standard that I felt was important enough to write down on the quality control check list.
 No more bullsh. End-o-story. I adequately expressed my sentiments towards his concerns, so we're definitely on the same page now. I watched About a Boy (Hugh Grant, 2002) this evening and it's about how a lonely man and a messed up little boy form a father-son relationship out of necessity, and create a network of trust and love for each other. It reminded me that romance is not the most important kind of love there is. Every other type of relationship is more frequent, friendship and mentoring. Those are the most vital because it's through that kind of love and relationship that we can benefit from each others' experiences and mistakes so we don't have to make them ourself.
Well, my sleepy time tea is getting the better of me. Have a great week in the Lord.

Jah Love.



p.s. I don't really have a bitter heart. I just like this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpDXra9Zbk4

Brown Bananas.

I'm having a really fun weekend so far, and tonight is going to be great too. Yesterday, Francyne and I had our Fridate Crafternoon (Friday-Date-Crafty-Afternoon), which lasted from 10 am until about 5 o'clock. She worked on her t-shirt quilt while I was experimenting with t-shirt scraps. She and I have collaborated together since we were teeny tiny. We've been friends since we were five and six, so our friendship has a childhood magic that I've never had with anyone else. She is so wonderful and always has great ideas. I'm working on making one of a kind, sportswear garments that can be dressed up or down. My goal is to use as many previously-used fabrics as possible. As much as I love walking through Hob Lob's fabric section and finding a gorgeous sparkly something, lace, or pattern, I get more inspired by something that already has personality. That way, I can just tweak it and give it a different vibe.
I'm starting my experimentation with t-shirts that have lived a full life, but are past their prime. It's exactly like making banana bread. The bananas have to turn brown and get all mushy inside before they're good enough for using to bake with. That's precisely what I'm doing with t-shirts. My desire is to up-cycle textiles that would normally just be thrown away. Growing up, we didn't have much. My mum always taught us how important it was to not waste anything, and recycle everything. From food scraps to feed the chickens, coffee tins for play drum sets, to cardboard boxes for play houses and hand-me-downs instead of spending on new clothes. I always had to be creative with my wardrobe because we couldn't afford the latest fashions (and I still can't). I don't mind it like I used to. It has made me appreciate what I do have, to be resourceful to reuse everything, and waste nothing.
Francyne is giving me all her t-shirt scraps  so I can keep making more stuff. I am so excited and I hope you are too. It's going to be a lot of work, but it will all be worthwhile. I am so blessed and I hope you remember that you are too. Even if life seems to be giving you nothing but mushy bananas, you have to realize that it's time to make banana bread. :) And share it with everyone you love. That's really all you can do.

Jah Love,
K

For the Time Being.

Oh my stars! Job hunting has been to no avail, so I decided to embrace my state of home-body-ness and start an at-home art, accessory, and alteration store! It's so fun to feel like I'm actually getting somewhere, but it is  time-consuming. This is what I love to do though, so it's not in vain. The Lord has been so awesome to give me encouraging friends and family, inspiration and ideas, incredible favor and resources, and (of course) the internet to conduct business! Thank you, Jesus, for all these blessings!

I'm working on the sign for my business currently. I wanted it to be very me but also have the name of my company as the focus. Once it's finished, I shall post a picture of it. Everywhere. Sorry this is such a short post, but I've got scarves to crochet, pictures to paint, and gauges to bake!

xoxo,
K