My First True Love.

I've always had such a difficult time accepting the concept of God, an unseen, omnipotent holy being who has sacrificed His Love in exchange for my life. It hurts my heart to think about such a great sacrifice, especially knowing that it was made for me when I was not yet breathing but trapped in my own hell. There is nothing I can do to make myself pure or worthy of the beautiful gift He has given me. Isaiah 64:6 says "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sin sweeps us away." For too long have I lived my life wallowing in my own filth. But it has exhausted me mentally, emotionally and spiritually to the point that I cannot deny His hold on my heart any longer. There is not a place I can run to or hide to escape the Love that has grasped my heart.

I am too weak to fight the beauty that He yearns to mold me into. My sweet Gardener is pruning away the thorns, the habits that hold me back from being wholly His. I am accepting the fact that I can not do anything right on my own. I need His gentle, guiding hands to show me how to "live a life worthy of the calling I have received" ( Ephesians 4:1).

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am the obstinate woman in the greatest romance story known to mankind. I am the woman who ran away when the man told her he loved her. I am the woman who gave herself, heart and body, to other men who did not care about her. I am the woman who chose infidelity as a lifestyle.  I am the woman that returned to her family only to leave them again out of selfishness. I am the woman who is broken and will never be whole until the day she sees her Lover with new eyes. I am the woman who can not deny that she is loved more than she deserves. My defenses are wearing thin and I cannot fight His magnificent love any longer.

I am in love with my Savior. And it makes my heart feel something for the first time in years. I have been numb and blind to His beauty for so long. But He knows me. He knows the walls I've built up, and He knows precisely how to tear them down in one swift motion. I cannot hide my love for Him any longer, but I don't want to.

Through  understanding personification, I've come to understand that I will never have to audibly hear His voice to know that I am loved by the greatest man that ever existed. He has displayed his scandalous beauty in my very being. He created everything in nature to help me see how attentive He is to my life. He pays attention to every detail and He shows me this through my relationships with caring people that can read me like a book. He is showing me what it means to be in Love, and that it is done by living in the truth of His Word. He has brought me freedom by helping me understand that my life is not my own. I've screwed up every day of my life, but it doesn't matter anymore.

He is opening my heart to love Him more than I've loved anyone or anything in my entire life. And, unlike every other time I have loved a man, this time it doesn't hurt my heart. I know that in Him is where my affections should lie. No where else. My heart was made to dwell in His love. I have not been content anywhere else. And for the rest of my life, if I am not with my First True Love, I have no place to exist. Please pray that the Lord continues to reveal His great love to me. Thank you.