Amy and the Highway: On My Way

30 minutes away from Cannon. I'm ready to be there.

Westin and I decided to take the pressure off of ourselves and "broke up" but everything is the exact same. I don't know when I'll see him next, but I don't feel the same urgency as I did. I was afraid that, if I didn't see him soon, we were going to end up hating each other and breaking up. But we took a two day break, then decided that breaking up would save our relationship. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I know I'm so much happier, and he is too.
Somehow, it feels like we're closer now. We did it to put our friendship first, which was the best idea we've had. But I think having the title made me like dig my nails into him, instead of making me feel more secure. But now I'm just like "Ehh, he can't break my heart if I already knew he wasn't mine for the keeping."
I don't worry about it anymore though. I love him and I'm not worried about it. If it's supposed to work out, it will.
Well, I'm only a few minutes away from Cannon, so when I can blog again, I will.

Xoxo, k

Free Crappy Portraits and Other News

Back when I still had orders for Japan, I sent a picture of Westin and I to the wonderful people at Free Crappy Portraits and got this lovely little pdf in my email earlier this week. It's so stinkin adorable.

In other news, my Broadcast video production class has been insanely busy and demanding lately. But I finished editing my VOSOT (or Voice Over Sound On Tape) before lunch and it's not due until 4. So I've had all afternoon to do nothing, which is positively wonderful. I've been watching Taylor Swift music videos with my friend Jaye, listening to spoken-word poetry by Anis Mojgani, and catching up with friends on Facebook.
Last night, I was very sad and homesick for Teri and my family. Today, I'm listening to He is Legend, DJ Kool, and Stevie Wonder... and feeling nothing but subdued energy. I want to rip off my ABUs, kick off these horrid combat boots and dance like crazy. I haven't danced in far too long. I do believe the last time I really properly broke it down was April 2nd, my last Saturday in Tulsa. I went to Andrew's birthday party at The Estate with Teri and we cut a rug.
I love my friends here in Maryland, but they like drinking and sitting more than dancing... which is a problem when you love gettin' low like I do. Being surrounded by people that want different things than what I want is a big challenge, and is what makes me so homesick. I'm not looking to just hook up with someone and I don't want to be drunk every moment of my life. I'd rather do something educational and classy than get schmammered at the bowling alley or the mall every weekend. I've heard that alcoholism is a serious problem in the military and now I understand why. You take bored, homesick people, give them a big paycheck and nothing to do but either a) sit in their room alone and read, or b) be social and drink with everyone else.
It's not a problem for me, but I can already see how it effects people that I'm here at tech school with and it's sad. But there's no alternatives to a good time that I've been able to find that's cheap, nearby, and better. If you have any ideas on what to do on base instead of drink, please share!

XOXO, k

Homesick

I can't tell if I miss home because I miss home, or if I miss home because it represented a really chill time in my life. I desperately wish I could sew, paint, and sing along to my favorite songs with the windows open. I wish I had time to take pictures with my Diana. I wish I could sit with Teri on the windowsill drinking coffee and listening to Otis.

I'm growing up, and it's scary. I care for people that I may never see again. I miss people I know I'll never see again. I just wish I could go home for a weekend... but the life I've chosen isn't very kind or considerate when it comes to homesickness. But if you read this, please pause for a mo and pray for me. Pray that I can find home somewhere other than Oklahoma so it doesn't hurt as bad here in Maryland.

Hello, New Mexico!

Well, The Air Force was going to send me to Yokota, Japan Air Base for the next three years for my first duty station. BUT some DBA made a change and I got word of it today. So now I'm going to be stationed at Cannon AFB in New Mexico. I'm glad to still be in the South, but I'm still completely in shock and a little disappointed. I'm thankful that I'll still be close to home, but it's still pretty unreal that I'm not going there at all anymore. I'll still be in the same country as everyone I know and love, which was my biggest disappointment about going overseas. And Westin and I are now only a 9-hour drive away from each other, instead of a 24-hour plane ride... and that's definitely a plus.

So, aside from the immediate disappointment of no longer going overseas, I'm very thankful to be close to my loved ones. The Lord knew what He was doing... which is great because I never have an effing clue. :)

This Is It

Good Monday Morning!
Today is a beautiful day. I am loved. I am secure in my future, because I know that God has prepared me for such a time as this. I was created wonderfully and destined for victory because my name is no longer Broken. I am a New Creation. Made new and beautifully in my imperfections, many they are.

I am strong.
I am prepared.
I am ready for success.
I am ready to give love.

Tech School Blues

Dear friends,
I promise I haven't forgotten what it means to blog faithfully. I think and wish I was blogging every time I sit down to write a paper. I'm currently in the 4th most difficult tech school out of all Department of Defense jobs. I was told this would be a challenge when I got here. And now I understand exactly what everyone was talking about. I made the mistake of informing my instructors that I wanted to be the best, not just the best I can be. They're critiques are harsh too, let me tell ya. I haven't straight up been told that I suck but the fact that I've received a 62% on every read (and for different mistakes at that!) makes me feel pretty worthless. 


But, just like anything new I try my hand at, I have to suck at it in order to learn from my mistakes. I have to be told repeatedly what I'm doing wrong in order to get it right. Unfortunately, speaking isn't one of those things that you can re-do immediately (unless you wanna get docked points for stumbling over your words, anyway). This portion of training is only 15.5 days long though, so thankfully I won't suffer this harsh verbal lashing everyday that I'm here.
Tomorrow is a new day though! And I'll be critiqued by a different instructor tomorrow, which should be nice. Change of scenery and audience will help me feel like less of a failure tomorrow when I go into the sound booth. I can't do worse than I've been doing. I can only go up from here, so that is precisely what I shall do.


Aside from my BWAS (Broadcast Writing and Announcing Skills) class being dumb, life here is pretty great. I get to see my brother, sister and brother-in-law this weekend for the first time in over a year! Alas! The Coager kids will finally be reunited! I am so incredibly excited. I have to head back here to Maryland on the 4th, but that's not a bad thing because I'll get to celebrate it all weekend with the sibs. Then I get to celebrate it with my man-friend, Westin, and all of my fun tech school mates! 


I found out my first duty station is Yokota, Japan. I'll be there for three years. CRAZY huh??? I will literally be on the other side of the globe from everyone I love and find comfort in, which is a rather terrifying thought. I know I'll be alright though. I've known this entire time that this was where I would end up, but it's still wild seeing it all come to pass. 


I'm not going to waste anymore time talking or writing about stress. I'm going to pretend it isn't there. Because it isn't. I can only improve from here. I literally have nothing to lose. I'll get to Japan eventually, even if I get recycled. Oh well. :)




Love, love, looove,
K

More Like Me

My life is finally starting to feel like my own again. It's taken a while to adjust to not being at BMT anymore but getting to wear my "civvies" ( "civilian attire") definitely helps. I got to read a book today. And I've been listening to something other than angry MTIs and cadences. Music, literature and dear friends make me feel like I'm still the girl that's been locked up under this "military bearing". I am and always will be a believer in the impossible, in the power of beauty and, most of all, love.

I got on Facebook and looked at photos of my former life and I definitely felt a deep ache that I've been ignoring since the third night that I was at BMT. That third night, I cried myself to sleep, and vowed that I wouldn't do it again for missing home. Now I can't sigh without shuddering a bit. The realization that I'll never return to my previous life is bittersweet. I've chosen the life of a gypsy with the discipline that the military requires. It's pretty weird to think that I may not "settle" anywhere for the next twenty years (i.e. when I could potentially retire from my military career).

Class starts on Thursday for me, and that's when it all begins. Coming here I knew that not a lot of people in the Air Force had a Broadcast job. But, upon arrival, I realized why that is. Broadcast Journalism has the 4th highest drop out rate out of all AFSCs (Air Force jobs)... which means there is a chance that I could fail. But I refuse to accept defeat before I even begin class. I'm sharp, an excellent voice actor, and I already know about what I'm getting myself into. I can do this. And I will not fail.