Growing Old.

I'm getting older. I can feel it in my bones. "Like butter, scraped over too much bread" (Bilbo Baggins). I'm not afraid of aging, because it is growth above all else. Life is not the same as it was for me a year ago. Every day that passes that I am not in a serious relationship, married with children, or in an established career, I realize that all of the plans I made as a child (which includes everything up until my 19th birthday), were all done out of naivety. We cannot plan our lives and expect it to go according to what we decide. We don't have that kind of power over ourselves. I am really thankful for my unpredictable life though. If everything in my life went according to plan, between my freshman year of college and now, I would be married to my bipolar boyfriend and likely be taking care of a child. Instead, I am waiting patiently to go into the Air Force and go on a phenomenal adventure. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for allowing me heartache then instead of lifelong disappointment.

My mum and I have been talking a lot the last few days, and it's great to know we have a genuine, loving friendship. We've come along way from what we were, and I owe that all to the grace of Jesus Christ that covers me. I know she loves me because she sacrificed for me for years. I just want to do everything I can to take care of her, and show her that I appreciate everything she's done for me. Because she has helped me become who I am. I don't claim to have it all together, but the things I do have figured out are in large part thanks to my little Costa Rican momma. It used to bother me when people told me that I look exactly like her, but now I don't hate it. In fact, I hope physical features aren't the only thing she and I have in common. I hope I have my mother's heart. Because she's become everything I've needed in a friend and I know she would do anything for me.

It hurts me when I think that my life could have turned out so differently if my parents had never divorced. I think about the way things could have been but, in the process, discredit the huge lessons I've learned through it all. I learned what it means to love my family and forgive them, no matter how painful or hateful their fighting words may be, for love covers the multitude of sins. Jesus has shown me how He loves me by teaching me to love and reconcile with them when I didn't think I had anything left to give of myself. And through all of the pain, He has shown me love. And just how undeserving we are of it. Not one of us deserves what we have, and there's nothing we can do to earn it either. It is simply a gift from God. We must share it with others, or else we become enclosed in our shell and die a painful, hopeless emotional death.

To need someone's love is to be born, to hold them close is to breathe for the first time, every time. I am tired of holding my breath, and I am tired of the darkness. I'm getting older and I'm truly happy on my own. I just want someone to share my joy with. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, and I'm not looking to settle down (geographically). But I have an unconditional well of love in my chest and I'm ready to pour this blessing into the heart of someone else. Lord, prepare me and keep me in Your Word so I can make decisions that put me in alignment with your will for my life. Shatter and mold the heart of my future husband so we don't make the same mistakes as our parents. Help us raise a family that is taught to love by being loving, and not the hard way by always having to forgive us, the parents, for our wrong-doings. May separation never be an option because you intended the covenant of marriage to be unbroken. And may we never divorce our hearts from You, Beloved.