More, More, More Me

This past year was fucking difficult.

My dad had a heart attack on Father's Day. My brother deployed for eight months. I started running the video section myself right when I hit my one year mark in the Air Force. I permanently sprained my left ankle and did four months of physical therapy, for nothing. I purchased Christmas presents for two different guys (thinking I would be in a relationship on December 25th), both of which managed to evade buying me anything by breaking up with me. I developed stress-induced IBS and got put on anti-depressants because Cannon Air Force Base is ruining my life.

Like this past year, I could attempt to drink away my pain, suffer in silence and take it out on myself. But I'm honestly really fuckin' tired of being miserable. Before I came into this world, my mom dedicated me to a life of servitude for Jesus Christ.

[If you're thinking "ZOMG, you guys, how can she drop the 'F bomb' and talk about Jesus in the same paragraph?", stop reading my blog. You clearly don't know me well enough to know I just don't care anymore. I am not the cookie-cutter Christian my sweet mother raised me to be; I'm the real version of that because I know I'm busted but that God loves my anyway. So deal.]

I was never perfect and I never intend to be. I cuss too much. I can be really cynical. And my family doesn't always approve of my life choices. But that's just fine. Because, at the end of the day, when my head hits my pillow, I'm the one that has to go to sleep with the decisions I made.

I do my best to love people the way I love myself. Treat people the exact way Jesus would want me to. And I do everything I can to the best of my ability to bring him glory. [If that offends you, that's sad. I think you have some soul searching to do... I know I do.]

This year, my goal is to be myself with you more than ever before. I don't know who is reading this, but that's ok. I don't need to. You serve as my invisible audience that will silently judge whether or not I resolved my resolution from a distance. Judge on, my friend.

Have a seriously bad ass day today, for we are not promised tomorrow.

New Years Kiss

I woke up at 0530 on December 31st with explosive diarrhea from Hades, which sounds hilarious now, but it wasn't humorous then. After countless trips to the bathroom and almost passing out every time I stood up, I slept the entire day away... To include all New Year celebrations. This is a tragic first in my life, but hopefully will set the tone for the rest of the year.

As if it needs to be said, I didn't get a kiss at midnight. This is also new for me. But I'm really actually glad that I wasn't obligated to make out with someone I'm not committed to.

I normally don't get into the whole resolution thing because I'm crap at keeping promises to myself. But maybe I could do this, ya know? I guess we'll see what fresh Hell this year brings.

A Summer Without Men

I got this book last summer at Borders in Maryland when it was going out of business. I read half of the first chapter and haven't picked it up since. I think now, more than ever, is the right time to journey though this story. Honestly, I'm a little scared. To acknowledge my life without men is to, in my weak mind and to my weaker heart, to subside my conquest in love. I know this is not the case, but I feel it. And rationale never settles well with feelings, like oil and water. Try as I may, they exist as two separate parts.
I fear putting myself first for once, then not being capable of returning to self-less love. I fear narrowing down my playing field by becoming the successful, driven woman I want to be. I fear not finding a man that likes alone time as much as I do. I fear dying alone, being pitied by my fulfilled siblings.
But for every fear, I know there is a rebuttal. For my first fear, my heart will never stop loving, even if I'm not with a man. I know this full well, as I love my family in that exact manner. For my second, the only men that are intimidated by a successful woman are the kind that couldn't make me happy due to their insecurity.
For my third, just as I exist loving passing quiet, meditative hours alone, I'm sure someone of a similar demeanor can share in my appreciation if he likes to read as much as he should. And for my last fear, I realize that my siblings will be stunted economically and educationally because they married young. I have surpassed them already in my accomplishments. If my ultimate priorities lie in furthering myself and having plenty to share with others, I will be fulfilled.
I know I have little to worry about realistically, but that does not ease my mind. For I need worries to occupy my mind here so I don't lose it in this formidably miserable place. I need this: to find sanctuary; to come to terms with my losses; and to move forward. Here's to a summer without men!

Hot Tea and Warm Vocal Cords

I'm embracing my current singleness as a time of emotional cleansing, as well as an opportunity to nurture my talents, that have been neglected for years now. I want to audition for Tops In Blue this fall. Top in Blue is the AF's equivalent to Broadway. It's always been a dream of mine to do stage and vocal performance for a period of time, and I feel like this is the perfect opportunity. I'm single, I don't have any children, and I have no emotional ties to anyone to hold me back from chasing my dreams. I met a Staff Sergeant today that encouraged me to audition for it, so I'm working on getting my voice back in shape. He also encouraged me to do Cannon Idol, Cannon's annual little vocal performance competition.

I'm quitting smoking completely and starting my training now. I'm also going to get together and practice with my friend Jette that did TIB in 2010. There has never been a better time in my life to travel, chase my dreams and do everything I can to make them come true. So I'm setting off on my pursuit to get out of New Mexico and on to bigger and better things.

I also volunteered for a short tour in Korea! Job listings go up tomorrow so, if the Lord wills it (and they need a three-level Broadcaster out there), I could get orders to South Korea! It would be an 18 month tour, and I would get my base of preference afterward! If that happens, I want to go to Guam and live out in the tropics for a bit.

The possibilities are truly endless though. I could go anywhere that has an AFN station (anywhere overseas) or a Public Affairs office (anywhere in the world). I just want to be proactive in getting the hell out of New Mexico. Nothing against AFSOC whatsoever, but this location is completely shitty. People here nicknamed it New Mexistan because the terrain is nearly identical, save for a few measly trees here and there.
As you might know if you're reading my blog, I love trees passionately, and just the outdoors in general. So to be here for my first duty station, it's been quite disappointing at how ugly and isolated this place is from everything that I cherish: art, culture, museums, a good music scene, metropolises and good shopping. This town is lacking all the above; Korea has an abundance of it. I'm ready to find a city where I feel like I belong. I'm ready to relocate again.
I've been living like a gypsy for the last four years now. Moving back and forth from college and Camp War Eagle, then back home, then with Teri, BMT, Tech school, and now here I am. I'm not comfortable establishing roots in this lifestyle, so I'm ready to go somewhere else now. Lord, deliver me from this desert.

Oh! Life and the Joys you bring us

My heart is so full. I'm rediscovering beauty in everything from silent brokenness to quiet to blaring inspiration. I'm word-smithing and creating on a daily basis, and I feel raw from opening my heart everyday. But I'm more alive and myself than I've been since I spent my summer barefoot and covered in silt-water in the pottery room.
My goal for giving up dating is to establish myself as the kind, nurturing woman I am with everyone. I want to be able to take care of my sweet friends without the complications of being in a relationship. I want to be the friend for crafternoons coffee, and good company.
I want to be the untouchable that I used to be. When I kept my standards high, I didn't waste my heart on the undeserving. I'm going back to that because I know I deserve better than what I've been wasting my time and heart on for the last four years. And I'm exhausted! So no more Dead End relationships for Kristen Erin.

Pros and Cons

My career, my future happiness and my entire life have been up in the air for the last four months. And I've decided that, although I'm a giving, selfless person, I cannot sacrifice joy, art, education, and my career for John.

So just as the day came that I joined the Air Force and the day I decided not to return to OSU, today I've decided that I'm going to take the steps to cut myself free. I'm going to sever the tie that is holding me back from being myself.

Broke as a Joke (but Happy as a Clam)

Life has been a nonsensical blur of dumb busyness and stupid fun. I'm really getting more freedom in my job now, and it feels great. I shot (video) at Cannon's bombing range all day today with my two favorite people in the office. Photographers are seriously so much more chill than videographers. I liked all of today outside of the office.

I only have two classes left in my public speaking course, which dumbfounds me that the last time I blogged was almost two months ago exactly. I'm working on my last really important speech in this class, which is due tomorrow night(!).

Johnny and I are gettin serious about our bad habit of eating out when we should save our money. I met with a financial advisor last week about my hypothetical "600 calorie/day diet" that I put myself on financially. I have no wiggle room, but the pay-off is how rapidly my debts are decreasing! I've paid off 62% of my OSU debt in just two paychecks and my tax return. It felt nearly impossible at first. But I remembered that I just have to use all the resources I have and get serious about not wasting money on eating out all the time.

God honored my diligence to get my ducks in a row last week when Tonya Jones from OSU decided that, since I was making such an effort to get my debt paid off, that I didn't need to pay the $1,400.00 worth of late fees that I've accrued over the last two years of non-payment. When she did that, that's when I realized why God moved me to Cannon instead of the original orders I had to Japan. I never would have gotten serious about paying all these things off if I hadn't been in the same time zone or country. And I wouldn't have met Johnny, who has totally inspired me to be fiscally responsible.
He's made me realize that I don't want to go into a marriage with financial baggage. I don't want us to have money problems from the get-go. He doesn't deserve that in the least bit.

I never thought I'd see a silverlining to being in New Mexico, or even growing up broke. But now I know the purpose of me going through the Valley, and how useful it is to know how to go without all the cushy things most Americans "couldn't live without". Thank you, God, for the silent answer to the questions I always asked growing up, like "Why don't we ever have money?" lol. Now I know why.